The Road to Mania

So Undertaker wins the Royal Rumble and it seems, despite the tease from last night, that the long-rumored Undertaker vs. Batista match will headline the show. It seems built-in already and is exactly what's good about a WrestleMania main event: a match we've never seen before between a living legend and a current main eventer. While Undertaker may not be the youngest horse on the stable, he can still provide a good main event caliber match, especially with another powerhouse like Batista. And given the caliber of the Undertaker, they may actually give a Smackdown main event the last slot of the night. Personally, I approve.

So what's happening over on RAW? Well, it looks like Michaels, Edge and Orton are lining up to be part of the main event. A fatal 4-way between Cena and his three challengers would be a great main event. Throw in a special X factor such as a special guest referee "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and we've got a recipe for some intriguing television on Monday nights, eh? I don't like it... I LOVE it!

Which leaves us with ECW. I sincerely doubt my wicked awesome Cactus Jack storyline is going to play out, so Lashley is going to need a #1 contender. My choice? Umaga. The Great Khali seems to have stepped into the "monster" role on RAW. After losing to Cena, Umaga doesn't have anywhere else to go on RAW, really. But he's still a viable destructive force... which is just what Lashley needs. It wouldn't take much to have Umaga show up on ECW and start laying waste to Lashley. He's certainly earned a 3rd tier main event at this stage. A hard-hitting vicious ECW main event at WrestleMania between Lashley and Umaga could be a very watchable match.

Hmmm... WrestleMania's not looking too bad, is it?

Spreading the love

Now that I've gotten a few posts under my belt, I feel confident taking this shizzle to the streets. I wasn't sure whether I had enough to say about wrestling to keep up a blog, but with the exception of a few months there where I got too busy, I've been pretty solid. It's time to get an audience.

As of now, one person reads this thing (hi Nick!), but I'm trying to extend readership. The best way I can think of to do that is post shit on other sites and message boards.

I started this week with Jim Ross' blog on his barbecue sauce website. My post:

"Quick question: the ballad “Waking Up Alone” by Hillbilly Jim and Gertrude - most underrated romantic song ever?
I say maybe."

If I'm able to keep up this level of tomfoolery, I'll soon be inundated with morons threatening to kick my ass because I badmouthed the Hulkster.

Wait - why am I doing this again? Oh yeah - fuck you, Nick!

Pfantasy Pfriday

Part 2 of our ECW story continues...

Over the next few weeks, Lashley takes on members of the Tribe of Extreme. Although Lashley outmatches each of the extremists individually, the numbers game always gets to him. What's more, the Tribe of Extreme keep challenging him to more and more hardcore matches - a Singapore Cane match with the Sandman, a TLC match with Sabu, a falls-count-anywhere match with Ballz Mahoney and a first blood match with Tommy Dreamer. Lashley manages to keep his hold on the title, but takes severe beatings throughout this series.

Meanwhile, a mysterious phone booth appears backstage. Every week, Tommy Dreamer talks on the phone, taking orders from someone while the other Tribe members guard. One week, Tommy says, "Yes, we'll find out what side he's on."

During the third of a face vs. face "mutual respect" match series, Rob Van Dam takes on CM Punk. As Punk is about to get the win, the Tribe hits the ring. They decimate Punk and turn to RVD.

Dreamer: "It's time, Rob. It's time to decide who's side you're on. Unlike the Tribe of Extreme, you seem to be doing pretty well in the new ECW. You've had main events, world title shots and big paydays. But it's time to find out what you've got inside, Rob. You and the Tribe - we go way back. We used to spill each other's blood when there were only 10 people in the audience. It didn't get us rich. It didn't get us glory. We did it because we believed in it. And now, Rob - what do you believe in?"

Dreamer takes the singapore cane from the Sandman and offers it to RVD. Before he can respond, Lashley hits the ring and attacks the Tribe. CM Punk recovers and jumps into help Lashley run the Tribe off, as RVD looks on not sure what to do.

Over the next few months, RVD teams with Lashley and Punk to take on the Tribe of Extreme in a series of one-on-one and group matches, all prompted by Dreamer getting instructions on from the mysterious man on the other side of the phone booth. RVD claims to be solidly with his allies, but Punk doesn't trust him. Lashley manages to keep the peace between them as without each other, they may not survive.

As WrestleMania approaches, the matches get more intense and the Tribe of Extreme can't seem to take the title from Lashley. The phone calls get more and more frustrated in tone until one night Dreamer hangs up the phone and turns to the Tribe: "He'll be here himself next week."

ECW on Sci Fi the next week: in the main event slot, the empty phone booth stands in the ring. Who is it? The lights go out. When they come back on, the mastermind is in the phone booth: Cactus Jack. The crowd goes wild and chants "Foley! Foley! Foley!"

Cactus Jack: "A few months ago, my phone rang and it was Tommy Dreamer. He asked, 'Is Cactus Jack there?' I said, 'What are you talking about, Tommy? It's just lovable old Mick Foley.' And you know what he did? He hung up the phone. The next day, the phone rang again. 'Is Cactus Jack there?' I said, 'What's going on, Tommy?' He hung up again. After about a week of this, I called Tommy myself to ask him, 'Hey, what's the deal?'

He said that he was sick and tired of busting his ass and smiling and signing autographs for you ungrateful people with no respect for the history and tradition of ECW who are just waiting to get their pictures taken with Bobby Lashley. He said he was sick of watching world class talents like Sabu, Ballz Mahoney and the Sandman get treated like second class citizens because they don't have winning smiles and perfect bodies like Bobby Lashley. He said that he was sick of the good name of ECW being destroyed by Bobby Lashley and that each and every one of you idiots were eating it up.

After I listened to him for about an hour, you know what I said? I said, 'Cactus Jack is here.'

Bobby Lashley, I've never met you. This is nothing personal. But when you jumped over from Smackdown, speared the Big Show and took the ECW title, you had no idea the consequences that you would pay for that decision. It's not about you, Bobby Lashley. It's about what's around your waist - the ECW world title. I'm going to take it from you and I'm going to walk out of the arena and throw it in the garbage.

Why? Because I would rather see ECW destroyed in a blaze of glory than to watch it slowly bleed to death. Bang bang!"

As Cactus finishes up his speech, Lashley hits the ring and runs Cactus off. In a rage, he absolutely destroys the phone booth. In the last shot of the show, the Tribe of Extreme comes from the back and stares down an extremely fired up Lashley.

The match: Bobby Lashley vs. Cactus Jack in an extreme rules match for the ECW title
The place: WrestleMania XXIII

Or, you know, maybe a rematch with Test?

TNA - We are wrestling? Question mark?

I haven't written much about TNA because quite frankly I haven't watched much TNA. Contrary to what you may assume about someone writing a pro wrestling blog, I'm actually a bit of a busy fellow and some weeks I shockingly don't manage to work in pro wrestling TV watching on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays AND Fridays.

But I've had a little down time the past few weeks and managed to catch the show... just as Vince Russo took over the booking. Yeee. Apparently, a show that featured some top in-ring talent has suddenly switched to a soap opera.

Last night, the first wrestling match didn't occur until 25 minutes into the show... and then it was a screw job no contest. We had a Christian-Samoa Joe-Kurt Angle "who's with whom?" triangle and Sting outing Abyss for shooting his father. That's right, for shooting his own father. What wrestling there was (Chris Sabin vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Senshi vs. Austin Starr and a non-title Christian vs. Christopher Daniels match) was pretty good, but too short to get particularly invested in. We had lots of promos and backstage skits from Konnan to Cornette to Eric Young to the Voodo Kin Mafia. And not much wrestling.

But here's the thing: the show was great.

I mean, except for VKM who have had to shift from talking about another company to talking about hating women. Other than that, the show was really terrific. Good characters and angles that got me excited about what was going to happen next. That's what Vince Russo does best.

Now, a lot of the wrestling purists want to see these talented in-ring guys in more action. From what I understand, the guys bust their ass at the PPVs. So the 1-hour show has basically a taste of action and a load of intrigue to set-up big matches that (gasp!) actually not only deliver action but resolve the storylines.

By God, I think they've got it! Keep it up, TNA.

I mean, except the VKM stuff. That's just laaaaaaaaaame.

We hate money!

I will never for the life of me understand why a company would offer a match on TV just days before that same match happens on PPV.

Lashley vs. Test was the first time I remember that one since the classic Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude Saturday Night's Main Event just before their steel cage WWF title match at SummerSlam 1990. Warrior wiped out Rude, leading to the following imaginary exchange between myself and the television:

Vince McMahon doing commentary: "Warrior wins tonight but will he win in 6 days at SummerSlam!"
Thirteen-year old me: "Uh... yeah. He will."

And he did. The end.

Meet the new boss... same as the old boss...

I'll admit it - I was fooled. I thought last week's Carlito "people don't want to see skits" speech signalled a new beginning for RAW. Low on the sketch comedy, high on good feuds with good characters who are also good workers. I was fooooooled.

Turns out it was all setting up a Vince McMahon vs. Donald Trump feud.

Terrific! I don't see enough of Donald Trump on my television! It will be exciting to finally get a glimpse into the personality of this aloof and demur recluse.

You fooled me, Vince. But I won't get fooled again.

(Killer Who references by me, by the way.)

Pfantasy Pfriday

As I have blabbered on about previously, I'm not completely on the "New ECW sucks" bandwagon. Sure, I despise watching Hardcore Holly and Test in "main events" as much as the next sane boredom-hating wrestling fan, but I think there's enough new and old talent on the ECW roster to make a decent little show. What does ECW need to save the day? Why, a good main event storyline, of course! And who who who has that covered? Aw, you guessed it. Your old buddy BJ.

We begin at the post-Royal Rumble episode of ECW on Sci-Fi where the champion Bobby Lashley comes to the ring and soaks in the adulation of the crowd. As he's about to speak of his victory over Test, some unexpected entrance music plays. Tommy Dreamer comes to the ring and looks at Lashley.

Dreamer: "For better or worse, the name Tommy Dreamer is and will always be associated with this company. As I travel across this country and this world, people in airports, hotels, bus stations, bars and restaurants see me and chant three letters at me: ECW! ECW! ECW!"

The crowd joins along with the "ECW" chant.

Dreamer continues: "So I guess you could say that I'm all there really is left of an 'ECW representative.' So on behalf of the boys in the back and all these rabid fans, I would like to shake the hand of the man who is going to carry ECW on his back into the future, the ECW world champion Bobby Lashley!"

Dreamer shakes and then raises Lashley's hand for a cheer from the crowd.

Dreamer: "Now, as I'm sure you're aware, ECW has quite a storied history. A lot of good men bled pints of blood in the most extreme matches imaginable. And history is important. So as the chosen one who is going to lead ECW into the future, I just have one little request."

Dreamer steps outside the ring, reaches under the apron and pulls out a singapore cane and says, "Unfortunately, you weren't around for the glory days of ECW when things were at their most extreme. But I thought it might be fun to revive a little something we used to do back in the bingo halls called the extreme initiation. One shot across the back with this singapore and you and I are brothers in extreme. What do you say?"

Lashley looks at Dreamer, unsure. Dreamer says, "Come on, it's not that bad. I'll tell you what - you go first." Dreamer tosses the singapore cane to Lashley and turns his back. Cane in hand, Lashley is reluctant. He looks at the crowd. Should he do it?

Dreamer: "Come on, Lashley. Don't be shy. I can take it. Just lay one across the back. I'll be insulted if you don't do it."

Lashley still isn't sure. He doesn't look like he wants to do it.

Suddenly serious, Dreamer turns on him: "Lashley, are you hardcore or not? Be a man and hit me!" Pushed into a corner, Lashley shrugs and goes for it. He lines Dreamer up and corks him across the back.

Dreamer winces and jumps around in pain, but smiles at Lashley. Dreamer: "Ouch, that smarts. You're a big boy, huh? What do you think - is Lashley extreme enough to be ECW champion?" The crowd cheers.

Dreamer: "Okay, my turn."

Lashley shrugs and hands Dreamer the cane. Dreamer gives him a big smile. Unsure, Lashley turns his back on Dreamer.

As soon as Lashley's back is turned, Dreamer's smile turns into a vicious sneer. He charges Lashley and hits him 10, 15, 20 times, knocking him to the ground. With Lashley out of commission, Dreamer struts around the ring, reveling in the boos of the crowd. Joey Styles: "What the hell is Tommy Dreamer doing?"

But what's this - Lashley is back on his feet. Dreamer charges Lashley only to be met with an explosive spinebuster. On his back, Dreamer tries to slink away, but Lashley stalks him and gets his hands around Dreamer's neck.

Just as he's about to exact his revenge, Sabu, Ballz Mahoney and The Sandman run through the crowd and hit the ring. They attack Lashley with fists, elbows and weapons. He puts up a valiant fight against his four hardcore assailants, but the numbers turn out to be too much for him. He is hit with chairs, singapore canes and finally thrown through a table.

As the ECW champion lays in a bloody heap in the middle of the ring, the four ECW originals stand in the ring in defiance. As we go off the air, Joey Styles says, "Tazz, I have a feeling things are about to get very hardcore."

ECW on Sci-Fi - The following week...

After showing highlight's from last week's beatdown, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Ballz Mahoney and the Sandman come through the audience down to the ring from four different directions. They stand in the ring as their spokesman Dreamer takes the mic.

Dreamer: "To quote an old friend of mine, the Tribe of Extreme has risen. It took us a little while, but the ECW originals have finally banded together and stepped up to take back what is rightfully ours - the heart and soul of ECW. You see, ECW doesn't belong to guys like Bobby Lashley. Genetic freaks with great physiques. Guys like Lashley are born with all the athletic gifts in the world. No, ECW belongs to the blue collar misfits that aren't quite right in the head. ECW belongs to men like Sabu, Ballz Mahoney, the Sandman and Tommy Dreamer.

Since ECW started up again, the four of us have been faced with disappointment after disappointment. We were kept around to provide street cred while other 'blue chippers' like Bobby Lashley were given all of our opportunities. But do you know who we're most disappointed in? You - the ECW fans. You cheer for people like Bobby Lashley. You dare chant his name and what's worse, you chant "ECW" at him.

You know what? From this moment on, we the Tribe of Extreme forbid every last one of you to chant the letters ECW."

The crowd boos and chants "ECW," irritating the heels in the ring.

Dreamer: "Stop it! Stop chanting! You don't deserve it! You have all forgot what the spirit of ECW is all about. Well, the Tribe of Extreme are going to remind you. If you thought last week's extreme initiation was bad, wait until you see what we've got planned for your ECW world champion next. Lashley, the Tribe of Extreme is about to commit acts that you've only seen in your worst nightmares."

Defiantly, the Tribe of Extreme celebrates in the ring while the pissed off crowd chants "ECW," much to their displeasure. Joey Styles: "What is wrong with these guys?"

Here's why this little scenario works for me: first off, you take advantage of four talented veterans who aren't being used all that well right now. Secondly, while Lashley could beat each one of them individually, they have not only the numbers game on him, but the experience advantage in extreme matches. The hero has to be in real danger of losing for it to be compelling storytelling. Finally, it's based in reality - the old ECW fans are pissed. They tried somewhat in the beginning of ECW to make the originals the good guys. Now let's see how they work as the heels.

But what happens next? Rest easy, kittens. Stay tuned - this storyline gets even more interesting, culminating in the most important match in ECW history at WrestleMania 23.

This just in...

Wow - two posts in one day! Must be the natural male enhancement I popped 72 hours ago.

So the breaking news:

Sylvester Terkay, Jazz, Rodney Mack, Al Snow, the Bashams, the Gymini and Gangrel were all released from WWE today. For the record, I disagree with none of these releases.

That's all.

Carry on.

Who's D-Next?

As evident by last night's RAW, it's clear that the DX vs. Rated RKO feud is far from over. Last week, Shawn Michaels stayed alive through the power of his Incredible Hulk-like rage and his fallen buddy's sledgehammer. But this feud could take a few interesting twists and get hotter, depending on who steps up to help Michaels even the odds. Do I have a few ideas of who should be Michaels' partner? Oh, you know me too well...

- Kenny Dykstra: I tend to like pairing a veteran worker like Michaels with a young, talented kid. It gives the youngster instant credibility and builds a future main eventer, a la Evolution. Plus, I think Dykstra's high flying aerial style is suited much better to be cheered than booed. A Michaels-Dykstra pairing could result in some crowd-pleasing wrestling pyrotechnics.

But storyline-wise, why would Dykstra want to help Michaels, a man who spent the greater part of 2006 handing his ass to him? Simple: if you'll remember a little while back, Kenny asked to join Rated RKO and was denied and left to take a beating in the ring. Why wouldn't Kenny want revenge? The small detail that I think might make this one work would be that Michaels wouldn't immediately accept Dykstra, saying "I need a tag partner, not a cheerleader." Over the weeks and months, Kenny would slowly earn Michaels and thus the fans' respect by hanging tough against the vicious Rated RKO. And looking toward the future (which I think good booking does), Dykstra could either be turned heel by betraying Michaels' trust or when HHH returns, they could play a triangle angle where HHH isn't happy about being replaced and Michaels is put in the position of choosing between his oldest friend who's being a jerk and the young protege who he has mentored over the past 6 months. Sounds intriguing, no?

- CM Punk: Basically the same storyline, except without the back history. Punk just shows up on RAW and helps Michaels. Yeah. Punk is awesome like that.

- Carlito: I think Carlito would be good in just about every role. The guy is the rules. I'd have him team with Michaels in the post-Rumble PPV and turn on him, just to make an impact and be taken seriously. Then, maybe we could get Michaels vs. Carlito for 15+ minutes at WrestleMania. Now that would be cool.

- Ric Flair: This one seems like a stop-gap solution, as it's nothing new. Still, Flair's always good for a bloody brawl or two. I wouldn't love for this to happen, but I probably wouldn't complain either.

- John Cena: Cena has been lacking a compelling opponent since Edge. This would be an interesting way to get him involved with Rated RKO, the top heels on RAW right now. And the return of HHH (as mentioned above) would be that much more interesting with a Cena-Michaels-HHH triangle.

Of those ideas, I like Kenny and Cena the best. But I'll save the best for last...

- Marty Janetty: Come on! This would be AWESOME! Just as with Duggan and Flair, Rated RKO intimidates all the potential partners for Michaels. Michaels comes to the ring alone and fights them off when all of a sudden the old Rockers music hits. Marty hits the ring like a house afire!

Are you telling me you wouldn't want to see Rated RKO vs. The Rockers for the tag team title? Of COURSE you would, silly!

RAW... IS... GOOD?

Well what do you know? RAW was actually really good from beginning to end last night. I don't get much into the backstage politics, but it sort of felt like someone new got the book and decided to undo the sins of the past. The first Triple H-less RAW went off great. It felt like a new beginning of sorts. Here's what I liked about the show:

- Rated RKO: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've finally got our top heels. Edge, as always, was fantastic. He's really become an MVP on that show. While Orton on his own doesn't excite me, I think they're a great pair. One thing they have that's been missing from heels is that they're dangerous. They can be cowardly at times, but they also have to pose a real threat to the good guys.

Last night, Rated RKO was completely in their element. They started the show by dragging out a bloodied-up Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Looks like someone has been watching their Hitchcock - the violence that one doesn't see is always much more horrific than the violence one does.

While I thought the Duggan bit was good, I absolutely LOVED when Rated RKO made security confiscate all the D-X signs. What a great and innovative way to piss off a crowd. It was simple and original - a winning combination that we haven't seen on WWE in a while.

- Vince's promo: There's been something bothering me about the WWE lately: it seems like it's trying to be something it's not. As I mentioned in my Cryme Tyme post, I got kind of a nauseated feeling when WWE.com tried to get out ahead of the inevitable negative press by calling Cryme Tyme "a Saturday Night Live-style parody." Eeesh. I don't even like when Saturday Night Live does Saturday Night Live-style parodies. Then, in a blatant rip-off of the brilliant Assy McGee, WWE.com started a "Mr. McMahon's Ass" cartoon. When I saw that, I thought "Is this really what Vince McMahon thinks his audience wants to see?" The brand as a whole was on the wrong track.

After Rosie vs. Donald went over like a fart in church last week, it looks like Vince finally got the message. And in a stroke of genius, he made his character the one that has no respect for the fans, saying "You'll like what I tell you to like." And then Carlito comes out and says "People don't want skits. People want to see a fight." Overall, it was a very clever way for the failed sitcom writers behind the scenes to admit that they give up with all the sketch comedy crap. Hopefully.

Remember the old expression: if it ain't broke, don't make a cartoon of your ass.

In the words of Jeff Garcia...

"One man's setback is another man's opportunity. Do these jeans make me look fat?" Get it? Because he seems a little gay? No? Not so much?

According to WWE.com, Triple H's quad tear will take him out of action for 4-6 months. With the D-X vs. Rated RKO storyline having been central to RAW for the last month or so, this creates quite a vacuum on Monday night television. Who's going to step up and fill it?

My answer? Carlito. I think this guy has been GROSSLY underused. I don't understand why they haven't been pushing him to the moon. He's terrific both in the ring and on the mic. He reminds me of a young Rock, just around the time he joined the Nation of Domination and his bad guy persona was just about starting to come out. Carlito has that "it" factor.

Perhaps they've been holding Carlito back because they don't want to rush a main event push. If this is the case, kudos to them. But the time may be now.

If I had the book, I'd have Carlito step up to help Shawn Michaels against Rated RKO. Then, I'd have him turn on Michaels, leaving him laying. Not that you need much reasoning for a heel turn, but Carlito could always say he's sick of being ignored and decided to make an impact by taking out a legend. A Michaels-Carlito feature match at Wrestlemania could be a classic and really put Carlito on the map as a main eventer. He could either turn on Torrie or she could turn into an uberbitch. The heels that have gotten over lately seem to have an arrogant woman by their side (Edge, King Booker, Johnny Nitro).

It's too bad Triple H went down. But one man's setback is another's opportunity. It's time for Carlito.

The tribe of Extreme... has defecated

I wasn't a huge ECW mark back in the day, but I certainly appreciated the passion and idea behind ECW. I've always been a big Paul Heyman fan and I like his philosophy of what a wrestling show should be. But I'm not one of these crybabies complaining about the new ECW because it's nothing like the original.

No, I'm complaining about ECW because it's terrible. Terrible on its own merits that have nothing to do with the old ECW. It's just a terrible wrestling show.

Granted, it's not terrible enough that I've stopped watching... yet. For me, I watch for C.M. Punk and the possibility that there will be a good match or a new talent emerging. Elijah Burke seems to have potential. Other than that, nada. I like Rob Van Dam and Sabu okay, but not enough to really commit to watching.

That being said, last night was the first ECW show of the new year and I thought it was a bit of an improvement. No Big Show match helps, as at least Lashley is fast and exciting in the ring. I like the "main event feel" they create with the in-ring introductions.

Now, they opened the show with a Test promo. This wasn't terrible, but it was interrupted 3 times with video clips. I understand they want to catch people up on the storyline, but I think it takes a much more talented talker than Test to avoid killing momentum with all those interruptions.

Overall, I think ECW could work as a classic hour-long wrestling show. Matches and promos. That's it. No backstage bits where the wrestlers magically ignore the camera they were talking to a minute before. No crazy high concept comedy skits based on the news of the day. Just some wrestlers cutting promos and wrestling. That (with Smackdown!) might provide a nice alternative to the high "sports entertainment" value of RAW. And if that's the plan, I say go for it.

But this is the WWE. There is no plan.

Breaking News...

... we have officially discovered something at which Kevin Federline is actually genuinely talented. I mean, other than impregnating people.

Am I wrong or was K-Fed terrific last night on RAW? I haven't seen that kind of heel heat drawn in a loooooooong time. And he played it up very well. He's a natural born annoying wrestling villain.

For RAW (which has been specializing in nonsensical booking lately), it was perfect booking. They took the time to have Federline do the whole "I'm not ready to fight" bit. Very old school. And then having him pin Cena and then throw cash on him - very good heel moves. I hate to say this, but I think a lot of the young heels in the WWE could learn a thing or two from Federline.

Granted, he's already universally disliked because of his public image. But man, I was impressed. Now, I don't know if I want to see him on my TV every week. It may have been a one-off and I'm fine with that. But I wouldn't complain about a heel stable of cocky young wannabes with Kevin Federline as their mouthpiece. I mean, if he's not doing anything else.