Angle is Dead! Long Live Angle!

I thought RAW bounced back last night with a good show, but that's not the big news from the wrestling world:

Kurt Angle is gone.

Now, I'd be very surprised if this is the last we ever see of Angle in a wrestling ring. After a few years off when his body is healed and the addiction to painkillers is under control, I'd be surprised if he turned down a big WrestleMania payday for a "dream match" with the next generation of superstars. But still, this is a sad day.

I think over the years of his career Kurt Angle cemented himself as quite simply the best ever. His in-ring skills were second-to-none. Clearly, he was a world class athlete and used his physical skills to make his matches truly great. I remember his series with Chris Benoit being particularly amazing and intense.

But it wasn't just in-ring workrate that made Angle special. It was his character. He could make you laugh, make you angry, make you hate him, make you feel sympathy for him - he did every emotion better than anyone. I think it's no mistake that the guys who have ended up being at the top of the wrestling business for the past 10-15 years (Rock, Austin, Foley, Triple H) have had essentially one thing in common: versatility. Not only were they exciting in-ring performers (in their respective primes), but they could play any emotion and make the crowds really care. Angle could not only hang with any one of them, but was in reality better.

At times, it seemed Angle could do it all. He could be more athletic than Shawn Michaels, more technical than Bret Hart, more intense than Austin, funnier than Foley, at least as charismatic as the Rock. When Angle was on our TVs on Mondays, Thursdays and recently Tuesday nights - we were witnessing true greatness.

I think I liked the funny stuff the best. My favorite Angle era was "Team ECK" when Angle used to play the geeky heels with Edge and Christian. They managed to be funny and hateable at the same time. Great stuff.

As a wrestling fan, I'll certainly miss Kurt Angle. It's the end of an era.

Insert Title Here

Since nothing of consequence happened on ECW this week, I want to write a little bit about title value in wrestling. Back in February on Wrestlecrap Radio, the always-entertaining RD and Blade had an interview with Vince Russo. When confronted with the slingshotting around and de-valuing of titles, Russo's response was basically "Why would you care who the champion of fake fighting is?"

Good point, Vince. I mean it's not that I actually care care who the champion of fake fighting is. But if you're watching, say, a heist movie about a group of guys going after 100 million dollars, you've got to buy that it's valuable to the characters, right? Otherwise, why invest yourself emotionally in it?

As long as I've been watching, the WWE has been using the main titles (WWE, World Heavyweight and now ECW) to a) signify who the main eventers or b) set up feuds with said main eventers. Right now, Edge and King Booker are essentially holding the belts until Cena and Batista can win them back in an emotionally satisfying way (hopefully). That's fine - those are the big stars. It's no different than Austin-Rock, Michaels-Hart or Hogan-Savage.

But it's the "lesser" titles that have lost their value and I think that's a shame. Right now, Johnny Nitro is the Intercontinental Champion. I don't have a particular problem with Johnny Nitro, but with the fact that he won it so quickly upon coming to RAW. Same with the Highlanders (who are about to win the tag titles from the Spirit Squad). Again, I think they're fine, but I'm surprised that RAW has shown the restraint of holding off 3 whole weeks before putting the straps on their new team. It's gotten to the point where it's like "Welcome to the WWE - here's your title."

It's just my opinion, but most of the time (I like flukey surprises too) I'd like to see the IC title around the waist of a guy who's spent a year getting over with the crowd and then finally rewarded with a title. There are 52 weeks of television to fill - why not wrench out every drop of drama and excitement you can?

I just feel like the writers are missing out on some good, meaningful feuds over these titles. Don't get me wrong - I like wacky, out-there Vince Russo plots. But I also like old school Jim Cornette "two guys going after a title because it means something to them" feuds.

The title itself doesn't mean anything to me, Vince. It means something to the characters. And like any good television, good characters going after their goals draws me in.

A Disappointing RAW

To be honest, I don't feel much like recapping the whole RAW. I hate to be a Negative Norman, but I feel like the ball was sort of dropped a bit last night. There was a good deal of energy coming off the SummerSlam PPV and as the show started, it felt like there was a whiff in the air: new possibilities.

The first segment of the show was absolutely electric. The Edge bit with the new belt was terrific (it's dumb that it spins, but whatever) and the Jeff Hardy reappearance came off great... but what's wrong with making us wait for that match? Why wring all the juice out of it in the first night? Even if it's not going to be a PPV match (which I think would work fine for me if it was a sub-main event, which I'll get to in a second), why not give us a week or two of buildup before presenting a match that clearly everyone was excited about seeing?

But what really bothered me was the way they got rid of Mick Foley. Not in any real life "Mick deserves better" kind of way - I just think they missed an opportunity for some good, juicy television. I'm not one of these "get Vince McMahon off my TV" type of fans - I actually enjoy the Mr. McMahon character. This whole quick angle just didn't make any sense to me and left me with more questions than answers:

- Why did Foley walk up to McMahon in the first place? He looked like he just went up to say "Hi." Weird.

- In the storyline, how far in advance was the Milena turn planned by the McMahons? Was she planning it before Mick talked to Vince (for no reason)? Did Vince approach her after he talked to Mick? It all just felt incredibly illogical to me.

- Why is a grown man forced to ask these questions while watching a wrestling show? It's more sad than anything else.

I guess I'm just disappointed that Foley's ousting had nothing to do with Flair. However they did it, whether it was Flair injuring him or humiliating him or a grudging show of respect, leaving as a face or a heel - Foley should have left the WWE because of Ric Flair. He said "I quit" the night before, maybe he "quits" for real after shaking Flair's hand? Some sort of emotional payoff for that great, great feud.

Instead, we get another example of how mean Vince is. Disappointing.

I was also disappointed to see John Cena appear during the Edge match. I liked it in one sense because Cena finally got one up on somebody instead of getting bitched out again. No wonder the guy gets booed - they book him to get beaten like a bitch every week. Some bad ass. Also, I thought the fight ending in the toss into the water was good.

But still - Cena and Edge need a break from each other. It's as simple as that. I thought we were getting it with the Jeff Hardy thing, but no - here comes Cena again. I'm all for Cena getting the belt back, but he needs to earn his way up again.

I feel like RAW lost an opportunity to freshen things up a bit last night. They've got the Unforgiven PPV in less than a month and although I said I only Pfantasy book on Pfridayz, these are the matches I would have set up for Unforgiven:

Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair - Hell in a Cell "Retirement" Match
They've been talking about H in a C so much lately, I was positive this one was forthcoming. Foley has dropped two straight matches to Flair, so this one would be the payoff with Foley going over and Flair getting a much-needed vacation. It's an important enough match to play last on the card, making the next one possible...

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy - WWE Championship Match
Why not? The crowd was hot for Jeff and it doesn't need much more buildup. Just have Jeff show up a few more weeks and bother Edge until he gets angry enough to agree to the title match. And since it's not the "main event," it doesn't need to carry the show. Plus, these two have great chemistry in the ring and could put on a winner with Edge going over. But what about Cena? Well...

John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Carlito - Triple Threat Match to Determine #1 Contender
Three young lions fighting for a shot at the title. This one doesn't need much build-up and could be a good match. It's got three good workers and high stakes. Personally, I'd put Carlito over (I'd have him mini-feud with but not win the title from Edge) to establish him as a talent on the verge of the main event scene with Orton and Cena cancelling each other out and having to settle their issue down the road. But Vince's show is all about Vince, right? That's okay...

D-Generation X vs. Vince McMahon and Partner - Street Fight for Control of RAW
Vince is so fed up that he'll do anything to get rid of DX... including putting his control of RAW on the line. So he agrees to their stipulations: if DX wins, they control RAW. If Vince wins, DX breaks up. I'd have this originally as a Vince & Shane match, but a questionable "injury" to Shane would allow Vince a substitute - either Umaga (if he's not in a match with Kane) or the Big Show. This way, the outcome of the match is actually in doubt - if Vince has a monster on his side, he might win. Of course, he doesn't win and DX runs the show, making Vince's (who's now just a regular wrestler like everyone else) life miserable for a few weeks until he quits. Then DX can give up power to someone new (Dusty? Flair?) and get on to feuding with actual wrestlers like Edge and Randy Orton.

Throw in a little Umaga vs. Kane and you've got a pretty solid foundation for a PPV, right? Some new stuff, your old favorites used in interesting new ways. That's a PPV I'd like to see. Of course, I won't. How disappointing.

I'm With You 24 Hours A Day...

I didn't check out ye olde Summerslam this year, because the money tree in my backyard was accidentally burned down in a brushfire caused by some discarded credit card bills I threw out my back window. Seems like Flair-Foley delivered, but I don't see the point of buying PPVs. There's already 3 shows a week on free TV of the same quality. The storylines are ok, but they're not interesting enough for me to shell out actual cash to see their conclusions... not that they conclude storylines at PPVs anymore. Not like the good ol' days...

Okay, that little old man rant was actually a not-so-clever segue into something I have fallen absolutely in LOVE with: WWE 24/7.

Don't get me wrong - Cheapo McGillicuddy over here didn't actually shell out whatever it costs to get access to WWE 24/7, but I did check out the free preview. Wow. I was in wrestling nerd heaven. Here's what I saw this weekend:

Monday Night Wars: This show is sort of a fun idea: it picks a Monday night in the late 90's and shows the RAW and Nitro from that night back to back. It's amazing how different RAW was pre-Austin era. Shawn Michaels was an unironic babyface while we were being "treated" to Faarooq (in the short-lived ridiculous gladiator helmet) vs. Savio Vega (not a bad worker, actually).

Over on Nitro, the Giant (a positively teenage-looking Big Show) had just joined the NWO. I remember it being a fairly exciting time, with chaos breaking out every week. I forgot what I hated about that era: the overdramatic Eric Bischoff doing commentary. When fake Sting turned on Lex Luger, Bischoff looked like his mother had just died. It was a bit much - took some of the fun out of it. Still - a good show.

Old School: On this show, they showed a card from Toronto in 1984 which featured Rene Goulet vs. jobber (ok, I fast-forwarded through this one), SD Jones vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine for the IC strap, Nikolai Volkoff vs. Rocky Johnson and the brand-spankin' new British Bulldogs vs. two jobbers. A few things from this show stuck out:

- None of the guys had entrance music. They just walked out in silence to the crowd's reaction and got introduced in the middle of the ring. In a way, the lack of music sort of brought the crowd into it more. The WWE has become like a slick Hollywood movie - wall to wall music. I bet a heel that came out to no music (perhaps Sylvester Terkay?) would be a nice chance for someone to get some old school heat.

- These jobbers were in TERRIBLE shape. They all lacked any sort of muscle tone whatsoever. Plus, they were OOOOOOLD. Like all 40+. It was a shocker, considering the muscle freaks we have today.

- The British Bulldogs completely revolutionized the WWF. With their speed, strength, agility, extraordinary moves - they looked like they were from a different planet than any of the other "athletes" in the WWF at the time. I think when we look at all the extraordinary acrobatic entertainers we have in American wrestling today, we can pretty easily draw a line straight back to Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. They started it all.

SummerSlam 92: Quick aside joke from my childhood - After the inaugural SummerSlam 88, the next year's edition was called (shockingly) "SummerSlam 89." My little brother sees this on TV and gives me a disappointed face: "I was hoping it would be called SummerSlam 88 II." Not a bad joke for a 10-year old, no?

Okay, so this was the one at Wembley Stadium for 80,000 people. Talk about your big-card feel. It was electric. 24/7 didn't show the whole card, but it did show:
- LOD vs. Money Inc. (I'd forgotten how bad Hawk sold, but it was a ton of fun)
- a strangely overbooked Shawn Michaels vs. Rick "The Model" Martel match that I'd forgotten about with the big payoff being Sensational Sherri getting doused with a bucket of water for some (still unclear) reason
- the "main event" of Ultimate Warrior vs. "Macho Man" Randy Savage with Mr. Perfect and Ric Flair in the corner. They were working a strange face vs. face program, but Savage managed to carry Warrior to a halfway decent match.

Sadly, the Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith match wasn't on there, but still - it was a great trip down memory lane.

WWE 24/7 is, in a word, completely awesome. I wasted maybe 6 hours just yesterday watching this crap. And so - there's no way in hell I'm buying the service. With the pure volume of wrestling 24/7 offers, I can't see ever leaving the house. Which means I'd have to quit my job and wouldn't be able to afford WWE 24/7 anymore. So you can see the ironic mobius strip of a conundrum this wonderful new invention places me in.

Pfantasy Pfriday

Before I start with with my pfirst Pfantasy Pfriday (brought to you by Pfizer), I want to draw your attention to a nifty little piece of fantasy booking over at my favorite site, 411 Wrestling - Mike LaFave books the breakup of the Spirit Squad and does a heck of a job. I probably won't get into as much detail as LaFave did, but blah blah blah - I promised you some fantasy booking, so here goes:

This is a little different, because it's a moot point now, but I had this idea when I heard that Test had been re-signed by WWE. In real life, Test had been badmouthing the WWE since his release in November 2004 because they released him while he was rehabbing from spinal fusion surgery - generally bad protocol in the wrestling world. In an out-of-character move for them, the WWE writing staff failed to make hay out of the real-life situation. Instead of just debuting with "Test is coming to ECW" vignettes and having him appear with no back story or fan interest, this is how I would have booked the return of Test...

It's three weeks away from the Great American Bash PPV and it's been months since we've seen the former world champion Batista on Smackdown. GM Teddy Long is in the ring to open the show.

Long: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a major announcement. The Great American Bash in three weeks live on pay-per-view will feature the return of the Animal, Batista!
(crowd pops)
Despite the severe injury to his shoulder, Batista has been working hard to rehab and has assured me that he will be ready to come to the Great American Bash and face the man who put him on the shelf for 6 months, the World's Strongest Man, Mark Henry.

As Long talks about the PPV, he notices a disturbance in the crowd. Someone's coming to the ring - it's Test, dressed in street clothes. He hops over the barrier, grabs a microphone and gets in the ring to face Long.

Long: Test - what are you doing here? You don't work for WWE anymore.

Test: What did you call me?

Long: Test. I called you Test.

Test: Don't you ever call me Test again. That's the name that the WWE gave me so that they could make jokes about testicles and sell merchandise off my hard work. My name is Andrew Martin.

Long: Fine, Andrew Martin. What are you doing here? You don't work for WWE anymore.

Martin: That's right I don't work for WWE anymore. You want to know why? Two years ago, I broke my damn neck in this ring, entertaining all these ungrateful fans. When I was laid up in a hospital bet with my vertebrae fused, you know how the WWE showed their gratitude for all the years of me sacrificing my body? They fired my ass!

(crowd pops)

Long: Now hold on a second...

Martin: Don't you interrupt me! I don't work for you anymore. You have no power over me.

Long: I'm the general manager of Smackdown!

Martin: You're the general manager of crap! Now get out of the ring before I break your neck! I've got nothing to lose, Teddy - just go ahead... test me.

Long: We'll see about this.

As Long gets out of the ring and huffs to the back, Martin turns to the crowd and continues.

Martin: You people are blind. You don't see the double standard backstage. When I get injured, I get fired. But when the WWE's golden boy Batista gets injured, he gets to take his sweet time and come back when he feels like it and what's waiting for him? Fanfare. Cheers. A featured match at the Great American Bash. Why does he get special treatment? I'm just as good as Batista.
(crowd boos)
You don't believe me? I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going to show Teddy Long and Vince McMahon and the WWE management and the world that the golden boy Batista is nothing compared to Andrew Martin.

Teddy Long reemerges from the back, this time with security in tow. As they remove Martin from the building, he yells at the fans "You'll see. You'll see."

In the weeks preceding the Great American Bash, Martin appears in the crowd, arguing with planted Batista fans, ripping up a Batista poster and shoving a young Batista fan to the ground after getting removed each time.

At the Great American Bash, Batista appears for the first time to face the man that injured him, Mark Henry (in real life, a Mark Henry injury caused Mr. Kennedy to replace him which would also work in this storyline - even better, in fact because I like Kennedy and hate Mark Henry). After a brutal match, Batista is poised for victory when - you guessed it - Martin appears from the crowd and levels Batista with a chair shot, delivering a victory to Mr. Kennedy.

In the weeks afterward (just as it happened on Smackdown), Batista tries to win rematches with Kennedy, but Martin interferes every time, giving Kennedy that "win streak over Batista" rub. Batista begs Teddy Long to re-hire Test and let him face him in the ring, which he finally does at Summerslam.

Well, that's really all I've got. I think it's a good little program that takes advantage of Martin's real-life feelings about his release to create a little heat. It also gives Smackdown a credible upper midcard heel to feud with Batista, Lashley, Mysterio and the Undertaker. And it give Batista a compelling enemy - something he hasn't had since HHH - and keeps him away from the world title until at least Survivor Series.

Anyway, I liked the idea. Too bad it's too late now. Maybe Vince should call me next time, the jerk.

ECW 8.15.06

Some thoughts on last night's ECW show. If you haven't seen the show yet, check it out here and meet me over at the picnic table...

Thank you for meeting me. (Wet Hot American Summer, anyone? Did I get the quote right? Aw... forget it.)

- Foley-Flair was great once again. What more can I say about this feud? Probably my two favorite wrestlers of all time are throwing fireballs at each other. Sure they're 10 and 20 years past their respective primes, but still - it's Foley-Flair! I am in wrestling nerd heaven.

On a side note, Kelly's dancing has improved a bit (I'm not ashamed to admit I had a bit of a semi working), but if you needed any more proof that the fake lesbo craze is played out, just look how often girls on WWE TV are grinding with each other. You know a fad is over when Vince finally cops on. I can't wait for Vince to capitalize on the hot new "Rubik's Cube" sensation that's sweeping the nation.

- Jury's still out on CM Punk. I DO like that they had a rematch of his debut opponent, Justin Credible. Why run someone new out to do the job when Justin can do it again? I like the "rematch" - gives the competition a more legit feel. If you lost a match, wouldn't you demand a rematch? Of course you would, you brave sumbitch, you.

- Test & Mike Knox: I think Test is a decent performer, but I'm sort "eh" on this tag team. I think it's smart to put Mike Knox with someone with a little experience. After hearing his promo about Kelly stripping a few weeks back, I was struck with the question: does this guy know that he has chosen "professional wrestler" as his occupation? He just seemed... nice. If you're trying to get heel heat from a wrestling crowd, do you really want to come off so soft-spoken and reasonable?

- The main event was a bit of a disappointment off the bat because Kurt Angle was out of the triple threat ladder match due to injury. I thought the RVD-Sabu match was okay (maybe a B-) and I actually liked the ending spot with Sabu grabbing the contract while on Big Show's shoulders. But when Big Show came down, here's the ending I was hoping for (and almost got):

After RVD and Sabu (and Angle, if he can work some sort of early injury angle where he doesn't have to risk himself in too many spots) beat on each other for 15 minutes, Big Show comes out with Paul Heyman and lays them all out with the ladder. He grabs the contract, declaring himself the winner and the ultimate ECW champion. To prove what a badass he is, he challenges all three contenders to a 4-way ladder match for the ECW title at Summerslam, much to Paul Heyman's shock. Now, THAT would be a match worth shelling out the $40 for PPV (I'm just kidding. I'm way too cheap to buy a PPV). The way the ending actually worked was ok - now we get Big Show vs. Sabu, which is a passable title match. I mean, obviously my booking is better, but what are you going to do?

Usually, I can't stand reading people's internet fantasy booking. People complain about the creative direction of the company, but the complainer's ideas are at least as terrible as whatever angle he is complaining about. "When is Triple H going to be off my TV? Clearly, the most logical thing to do would be to work a Jonathan Coachman vs. Lillian Garcia angle where they fight over the money of the late Big Bossman's estate!"

My dirty little secret? I LOVE fantasy booking. Always have - even as a kid, I'd make out my own angles and PPVs. I don't know what it is - I just find it relaxing. In fact, I'll often sit on the can with a notebook in deep thought, coming up with new stables, angles and PPVs. Give me a pencil, a pad of paper and cheap burrito and I'll give you 3 solid months of WWE television.

So I just had an idea - how about once a week, I throw down a little fantasy booking action? Sounds fun, huh? What do you think? What? That sounds like hell on earth? Come on - it can't be that bad. You overuse hyperbole, you know that?

Well F you all - it's my blog and I'm going to do it. A new feature starting on at the end of the week will be Pfantasy Pfriday sponsored by Pfizer (because I plan on popping a few Viagra before I write). So many reasons to stay tuned and pay attention to me!

RAW 8.14.06

Well, this is a wrestling blog, so I suppose I should share some thoughts on last night's RAW, eh? I'm sort of still finding my stroke here, so I'm not sure if this is going to be one of those "recap" type of blogs. Most of the recaps I read on the 'net are just complaints about how much they hate the WWE now. I just don't get that - if you're not enjoying it, stop watching it. It's not that hard, really.

But still - I read them, so I guess I'm party to the system. Anyway, if you didn't watch the show, check out the recap here. I'll wait. (pause) Do do do...

Okay, welcome back. Overall, I enjoyed the show. It was mostly a Summerslam buildup show, so no new angles were started, but there were some fun moments. Some highlights:

- Once again, Mick Foley stole the show in my mind. His backstage promo felt real and the expression on his face when he almost crushed Flair's head with the steel steps was downright scary. Although he clearly doesn't have his fastball anymore, he is finally harnessing whatever made Cactus Jack so special.

I remember when he was doing the "3 faces of Foley" gimmick, he'd pull out Cactus Jack as a last resort. You could have just seen both Mankind and Dude Love earlier in the show, but when Cactus walked down the aisle, you were like "Aw shoot! Here come Cactus Jack, maaaaan!" It's like you knew the bullhonkey was going DOWN. And it was all in Foley's facial expression. That's why Foley is still #1 all time for me.

- Speaking of Micks I like, Mickie James continues to impress. Sexy, fun to watch and skilled in the ring. I hope she gets another angle where she gets to shine and be on my TV on Mondays.

- I think Carlito looked great in the main event. I'm not nuts about the Carlito-Trish partnership, but this guy could be the next Rock. He's got a unique personality, charisma and works equally well as a face and a heel. My prediction: Carlito is a main eventer. Of course, I predicted that Buh Buh Ray Dudley would be the next Mick Foley and that Adrian Zmed would be the breakout star of the movie Bachelor Party.

- Who knew that the DX/McMahon angle would be used to give Umaga the rub? Stop your complaining, IWC jerks!

- One complaint: I must admit that I think the booking of the Spirit Squad has been mishandled. I have no problem with 5 guys that gang up on people to win, but getting crushed by only two guys in DX doesn't work for me. How am I supposed to take any of these guys as a threat now? Unless they all get completely repackaged (i.e. Jamal/Umaga), the fan will always remember that Kenny couldn't beat Shawn Michaels with FOUR of his friends helping him. I'll leave the issue of the value of the tag team titles to some other time (man, I have a lot to say about this crap, huh?)

- How could I be bored by hot women in wet t-shirts? I don't get how they've managed to make something like that uninteresting to me. Didn't it seem like the one-minute "water fight" lasted slightly longer than a 60 minute King Mabel-Bastion Booger ironman match?

I think the reason the Diva search isn't working for me is that it's an unscripted "reality" part in the middle of a fictional, scripted show. As a result, it's more poorly paced and uneventful than the rest of the show. It's like if in the middle of NYPD Blue, they cut to a bunch of real cops in NY - sure, there might be something interesting going on, but chances are they'd just be doing paperwork or eating donuts or trying to milk that last slice of sympathy poon out of 9/11.

- The highlight of the show for me was definitely the Hulk Hogan/fake Hulk Hogan brawl. You've got Hogan (age: approximately 3,576 years young) awkwardly hobbling around the ring with a non-wrestler while a crowd looks on in disinterested silence. It. Was. AWESOME. Man, I love live TV and hate Hulk Hogan. Anything that makes him look ridiculous is a-ok by me. I will get into a whole thing why I hate Hogan at a later date, but for now he's embarrassing himself on TV. And fellas - that's entertainment.

My plans for actual real life fell through tonight, which means I get to watch ECW on Sci Fi. A three-way ladder match with Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam and Sabu plus Foley/Flair and another CM Punk match (I like the excitement he's creating, but I'm not sure if it's hype quite yet). Again - I don't know why people are complaining so much about the current product. I'm looking forward to that show. And YOU are looking forward to my thoughts on it. Aren't you? Aren't you?

Don't Mess Around With God's America!

When I first fell in love with this unique art form twenty years ago, I must admit - I was an odd little wrestling fan.

First off, I never thought it was real. Not even for a split second. But it's not like I ever thought of it as "fake" either. I just never viewed it in those terms - they seemed weirdly inappropriate for what I was watching. To me, calling wrestling "fake"would be like watching Thundercats and saying "There aren't really talking half-man/half-cats on Third Earth." I mean, everyone knows that the oxygen/nitrogen ratio of the Third Earth atmosphere couldn't support a talking cat. I mean, a man/dog yes, or perhaps man/parakeet hybrid, but a man/cat? It's just silly. That's just stone cold science. But the point is - I never understood why people would call wrestling "fake"? Is a kung fu movie "fake"?

As a result, I never had that heart-breaking "Santa isn't real" moment when the facade of wrestling was exposed. Although if I was still a believer, I think the moment would have been when The Rockers were running down the aisle to fight the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers (an underrated team, which I'll get into another day) and I noticed that Shawn Michaels' cheeks were puffed out like he had a mouthful of Mr. Pibbs. A few minutes later, the Rougeaus smacked him in the mouth with Jimmy Hart's megaphone... causing an eruption of fake blood to spout out of Michaels' mouth. One of the fakest looking things I'd seen in wrestling. And THAT, ladies and germs, is a statement.

Another way in which I was a weird little kid is that I absolutely hated patriotic gimmicks. Whenever a chant of "USA! USA!" broke out, I reached for my barf bag covered in Care Bears stickers. Not only did it seem like pandering to me, but it attacked even my childhood sense of logic.

In my mind, the most egregious offender was one man: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. If you'll remember, Duggan debuted in the WWF by running into the ring every time Nikolai Volkoff would try to sing the Russian national anthem. The great American Duggan showed his support of our country's precious ideal of free speech by smacking Volkoff across the back with a 2x4. The "pro-America" crowds would go wild. Even at age 10, the irony was not lost on me.

And neither was it lost on Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was supposed to be the "bad guy" commentator. He would try to convince Gorilla Monsoon that Volkoff was merely exercising his free speech. Even though he was supposed to be the "good guy" authoritative voice of reason, Monsoon had no answer. Not to overestimate the effect of "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, but I think that perhaps a few seeds of my adult anti-jingoism and mistrust of the contradictions of patriotism were planted in those halcyon days. That, and a healthy hatred for Gorilla Monsoon.

Man, I hated that guy. At the last show at the Boston Garden before they tore it down and built the Fleetcenter, Gorilla Monsoon came out and gave a little heartfelt speech about the venue and the great Boston fans. I booed the living crap out of him. Everyone in my section hated me. But in my mind, I was just exercising my free speech.

I'm lucky no patriots were around to hit me with lumber.

BJ Boston Wrestling... What the World is Watching!

Welcome to just what you've been waiting for - another blog about pro wrestling! Right? Right? Kick ass!

While there's a dirth of pro wrestling writing on the ol' interweb, I felt the overwhelming need to contribute because, well... I have very important thoughts on this extremely important subject. For instance:

- Why would the ECW braintrust give a stripper gimmick to Kelly Kelly, a lovely young lady who has unfortunately seems to have never even been introduced to her hips? How hard is it for a woman that beautiful to dance sexy on a stage? It's not that hard, girl. I've seen Worcester crank addicts who can pull it off.

- I would rather watch a promo war between Mick Foley and Ric Flair than the next presidential debate. Is that wrong? I can't help it - I'm captivated. It matters more to me than anything that's happening in my own actual life. What does that say about me as an American?

- I've grown to tolerate it for nostalgia and the fact that everyone seems to be into it, but how many more summers am I supposed to watch Hulk Hogan hobble around the ring? I never got the appeal. Sorry.

- A little friendly wager: how many seconds after the Diva search ends before The Miz gets his pink slip? My money's on 4.2, unless he times it so that Johnny Ace is taking a crap right as he gets off stage. Then? 5.8. Johnny Ace is a notoriously quick shitter.

- You know who I miss? D-Lo Brown. On one side, he crippled a guy. But on the other side, he had some CLASSIC facial expressions. Maybe we could compromise - he comes back, but only wrestles guys who are probably going to die soon anyway (Jake Roberts, I'm looking in your general direction).

- I'm starting to come around on TNA, but having guys like Jeff Jarrett, Scott Steiner and Christian Cage dominate the main event scene just sends the message: our world champion couldn't make it in the big time.

- After watching last season's version of The Surreal Life, I've got to ask the question: is there a nicer guy in the world that Maven? Man, he came off great on that show. What a likeable guy. Re-sign him, E!

- The internet wrestling community (uh.. the IWC, I guess) is pretty easy to rile up. Just mention that Samoa Joe needs to do a few ab crunches. They run to that guy's defense like Siegfried throws his body between Roy and a tiger.

- Right now, my favorite wrestling writer is Ken Anderson over at 411wrestling. He's smart, usually pretty positive and seems to be having fun. It's what I hope to do with this little spot on the old world wide net.

Time will tell how this goes - since wrestling is on a whopping four (FOUR!) nights a week and I actually have something resembling a life, I probably won't be your best source for steady reviews, updates or up-to-the-minute news. Still - hopefully we'll have some fun and bring the ruckus. It'll probably be a while before this train starts really rolling, but feel free to hit me with your thoughts at bjboston@gmail.com. Welcome aboard, fans.