The new lightweight champion
I know it's not Friday, but I was inspired by the good folks over at the Wrestlecrap Forum to come up with a complete storyline to get over RAW's youngest star - Kenny Dykstra.
Apparently, young 20-year old Kenny turns 21 in March. How about this:
For the weeks preceding the big day, Kenny tells everyone about his big birthday. No one really cares all that much, but he's pretty excited. When the day finally arrives, he opens RAW in the ring with balloons and cake and a stupid birthday hat.
As he's having a very lame celebration by himself, the Sandman's music hits. He comes through the crowd and hits the ring. Sandman stands across the ring from him and stares a hole him. Kenny is scared - what's going to happen?
Sandman looks around the ring at the pathetic birthday party and shakes his head. "You call this a 21st birthday party?" He tosses Kenny a beer and cracks open one himself. Unsure, Kenny lifts the beer to his lips. He drinks it, expecting to get a singapore cane over the head. Instead, Sandman smiles. "Let me show you how they party in INSERT CITY THEY'RE IN." The Sandman leaves through the crowd. Not sure what's happening, Kenny shrugs and follows him.
Throughout the show, Sandman and Kenny visit different local bars in the area where Sandman proceeds to drink Kenny under the table. At the end of the show, Kenny pukes on Sandman's shoes, to which Sandman responds with one word: "Lightweight."
The next night on ECW, Sandman is wrestling in a match when Kenny stumbles to ringside, drunk again. Tazz: "Wow - Kenny really is a lightweight." He tries to drunkenly high-five and help the Sandman, but clumsily costs him the match. No longer amused, Sandman whips his former drinking buddy about the head with the cane.
The next week, Kenny gives a drunken interview, pleading for the Sandman to forgive him because, "I totally TOTALLY love you, man. And I mean that." As he talks, the ECW crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!"
For the next few weeks, Kenny keeps trying to befriend Sandman only to be continually whacked with a cane. Finally, Sandman demands the match: a twelve-pack challenge. The match doesn't begin until both competitiors have finished off a twelver of Budweiser. As the introductions are made, Kenny stumbles to the ring, clearly inebriated. Sandman, on the other hand, is completely unaffected and even performs a self-administered field sobriety test.
Although Kenny is clearly uncoordinated, there's another effect of the alcohol: he's feeling no pain. No matter how much punishment Sandman dishes out, Kenny keeps coming back for more until miraculously Kenny pulls out the win.
The next week on ECW, CM Punk standing in the ring celebrating a victory when Kenny walks out to the ring. Unlike the previous month, he's in a very different state - he's hung over. As the crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!", Kenny tries to shush them. He's got a splitting headache. He gets on the mic:
"Shhhhhh! What is wrong with you people? Be quiet! I have a headache!"
The audience gets louder and louder. He continues, "I can't believe how I've been behaving. I've been completely out of control. I've been acting like a drunken idiot. Because of the influence of alcohol, I forgot what I am. The best young athlete in WWE history. Instead, I became... just like each and every one of you."
BOOOOO!
"You sit there and drink your beers with your fat guts hanging out, trying to forget about your miserable failures of lives. I should have been better than that. I am better than that. And for acting like you, I apologize."
BOOOOO! Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!
"But there's one other man I'd like to apologize to. And that's you, CM Punk."
Punk is surprised. He has no idea what's going on. Kenny continues:
"You are a model of virtue. You represent the straight-edge lifestyle. You have no drugs or tobacco or alcohol clouding your judgment. Guys like you and me - we're better than these losers. So as a fellow 'straight edge,' I'd like to apologize personally to you."
Kenny gives the crossed arms "straight edge" signal. Punk shakes his head and takes the mic:
"You've got it all wrong. I'm straight-edge because that's my choice." Punk turns to the crowd, "If you people want to have a beer, by all means have a beer."
The crowd cheers. Punk turns back to Kenny:
"And for the record, you're not a 'straight-edge.' You're just a lightweight."
As the audience chants "Lightweight! Lightweight!" Kenny attacks Punk. The brawl, and the feud, is ON!
Apparently, young 20-year old Kenny turns 21 in March. How about this:
For the weeks preceding the big day, Kenny tells everyone about his big birthday. No one really cares all that much, but he's pretty excited. When the day finally arrives, he opens RAW in the ring with balloons and cake and a stupid birthday hat.
As he's having a very lame celebration by himself, the Sandman's music hits. He comes through the crowd and hits the ring. Sandman stands across the ring from him and stares a hole him. Kenny is scared - what's going to happen?
Sandman looks around the ring at the pathetic birthday party and shakes his head. "You call this a 21st birthday party?" He tosses Kenny a beer and cracks open one himself. Unsure, Kenny lifts the beer to his lips. He drinks it, expecting to get a singapore cane over the head. Instead, Sandman smiles. "Let me show you how they party in INSERT CITY THEY'RE IN." The Sandman leaves through the crowd. Not sure what's happening, Kenny shrugs and follows him.
Throughout the show, Sandman and Kenny visit different local bars in the area where Sandman proceeds to drink Kenny under the table. At the end of the show, Kenny pukes on Sandman's shoes, to which Sandman responds with one word: "Lightweight."
The next night on ECW, Sandman is wrestling in a match when Kenny stumbles to ringside, drunk again. Tazz: "Wow - Kenny really is a lightweight." He tries to drunkenly high-five and help the Sandman, but clumsily costs him the match. No longer amused, Sandman whips his former drinking buddy about the head with the cane.
The next week, Kenny gives a drunken interview, pleading for the Sandman to forgive him because, "I totally TOTALLY love you, man. And I mean that." As he talks, the ECW crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!"
For the next few weeks, Kenny keeps trying to befriend Sandman only to be continually whacked with a cane. Finally, Sandman demands the match: a twelve-pack challenge. The match doesn't begin until both competitiors have finished off a twelver of Budweiser. As the introductions are made, Kenny stumbles to the ring, clearly inebriated. Sandman, on the other hand, is completely unaffected and even performs a self-administered field sobriety test.
Although Kenny is clearly uncoordinated, there's another effect of the alcohol: he's feeling no pain. No matter how much punishment Sandman dishes out, Kenny keeps coming back for more until miraculously Kenny pulls out the win.
The next week on ECW, CM Punk standing in the ring celebrating a victory when Kenny walks out to the ring. Unlike the previous month, he's in a very different state - he's hung over. As the crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!", Kenny tries to shush them. He's got a splitting headache. He gets on the mic:
"Shhhhhh! What is wrong with you people? Be quiet! I have a headache!"
The audience gets louder and louder. He continues, "I can't believe how I've been behaving. I've been completely out of control. I've been acting like a drunken idiot. Because of the influence of alcohol, I forgot what I am. The best young athlete in WWE history. Instead, I became... just like each and every one of you."
BOOOOO!
"You sit there and drink your beers with your fat guts hanging out, trying to forget about your miserable failures of lives. I should have been better than that. I am better than that. And for acting like you, I apologize."
BOOOOO! Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!
"But there's one other man I'd like to apologize to. And that's you, CM Punk."
Punk is surprised. He has no idea what's going on. Kenny continues:
"You are a model of virtue. You represent the straight-edge lifestyle. You have no drugs or tobacco or alcohol clouding your judgment. Guys like you and me - we're better than these losers. So as a fellow 'straight edge,' I'd like to apologize personally to you."
Kenny gives the crossed arms "straight edge" signal. Punk shakes his head and takes the mic:
"You've got it all wrong. I'm straight-edge because that's my choice." Punk turns to the crowd, "If you people want to have a beer, by all means have a beer."
The crowd cheers. Punk turns back to Kenny:
"And for the record, you're not a 'straight-edge.' You're just a lightweight."
As the audience chants "Lightweight! Lightweight!" Kenny attacks Punk. The brawl, and the feud, is ON!
posted by BJ Boston at 1:23 PM
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