WrestleMania predictions

It's time for the Mania predictions. As usual, I will be 100% correct.

United States Title Match:
Chris Benoit vs. MVP
Winner: MVP via pinfall

Money in the Bank Ladder Match:
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. King Booker vs. CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Finlay
Winner(s): Edge and Orton fall to the mat, both holding the briefcase

8 Man Tag Match:
The New Breed vs. The ECW Originals
Winners: The New Breed

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Winner: No contest with some sort of big fall spot

Women's Title Match:
Melina vs. Ashley
Winner: Melina via cheating

Battle of the Billionnaires Hair vs. Hair Match:
Bobby Lashley with Donald Trump vs. Umaga with Mr. McMahon
Winner: Lashley

World Heavyweight Title Match:
Batista vs. The Undertaker
Winner: The Undertaker via pin (shortly followed by a Batista heel turn)

WWE Title Match:
John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
Winner: John Cena via tapout (followed by a handshake)

Get ready to pay up, suckers.

It could be worse...

This week, I have been struck with an idea for a new feature. Instead of my usual Pfantasy Pfriday (brought to you by Pfizer), I've decided to put a fun little twist on things.

Fantasy booking is a veritable pantload of fun, ain't it? And let's face facts, my little Monday morning Russo's: it's a lot easier to call the right play from the fantasy dugout when it's the third period and you're down by two quidditch wickets and the Cape Verdean judge just deducted you 1.21 jigowatts for flubbing that double axel with a side order of potato salad.

Mixed metaphors aside, I agree that some angles really sizzzzuck. So it's natural to for a lot of fans look at the crudely splattered Jackson Pollock of characters, feuds and angles that WWE creative throws up on the proverbial wall for 5 hours a week and think, "I can do better than that!"

For some odd genetic reason, I am not one of these people. I look at even the crappiest crap-covered crap from high among the snowcraps of the Big Rock Crappy Mountain and think "It could be worse..."

Here's the tired, overwrought gimmick of this column: using a giant cylinder filled with ping pong balls, I will select an angle from WWE past, present or future. Usually I'll pick a storyline or character that's generally viewed by wrestling fans as tastelessly bad or sadly mediocre or just plain boring. And I'll use the super powers bestowed on me by that gypsy I "encountered" in a Massachusetts Turnpike men's room... to make it a whole lot worse. Sound like fun? No? Fine, be that way, Mr. Negative Grumpypants O'Shaughnessy.

For my first column, I'll take a rusty-hooked stab at the current Kane-Big Khali match at WrestleMania 23. While it certainly hasn't been a particularly bad feud, it's been far from memorable. It's been kind of a yawn, actually. But... (say it with me, lambs) it could be worse...

We open with a video montage of the past few weeks. Jim Ross hypes the match, screaming "For weeks, these two monsters have been beating the holy hell out of each other, King. Who will survive the carnage at WrestleMania?"

The lights go down and The Great Khali's music hits. Even in the cavernous confines of Ford Field, the giant from India is an imposing sight. He throws his arms up in the air and gives us that catch phrase that made a nation fall in love with him: "AAAAAARRRAGHARRRAGHHH!"

When Khali arrives at the ring, he is surprised to see not the usual ring set-up, but flowers and an altar covered with white linens. JR: "What sort of sick ceremony does Kane have in mind?"

As Khali looks around the ring, confused. Suddenly, Kane's music hits. The crowd explodes and turns to the entrance way only to see Kane dressed not in his usual ring gear, but a full white tuxedo and tails.

He gets to the ring and stares Khali down. After a moment, he grabs the microphone.

Kane: "Khali, I'm the first to admit - I haven't been lucky in love. I hung out with this girl Tori for a while, but then she dumped me for X-Pac and told everyone about the burn marks on my winkie. Not. Cool.

Then, I made a baby with Lita, but then Snitsky fell on it blah blah blah - long story short: the ladies haven't been doing it for me. I thought I would be alone forever. Until I met you. When you first hit me with that chop to the top of my head, I realized - here's a man I'd like to get my 'hooks' into."

Kane smiles and looks around to the audience. Silence. Crickets chirp.

Kane: "Get it? Because I carry a hook and kill people with it? Get my 'hooks' in you?"

Kane looks around again. A tumbleweed rolls by.

Kane: "The point is - it's time to try something a little weird, a little freaky. Great Khali - I think you're not just great. I think you're awesome. From now on, I'm going to call you the Awesome Khali. And I'd like to be Mrs. Awesome Khali. What I'm asking is..."

Kane drops to one knee.

Kane: "Will you marry me?"

Khali is shocked and confused. He looks at Kane and then around at the audience (most of whom have left the building at this stage). JR: "What the hell is going on here? Khali came to fight and now he's got a marriage proprosal on his hands? What's he going to say, King?"

Khali grabs the micrphone to share his thoughts.

Khali: "AARRHGAARRAHGHAH!"

Kane: "I beg your pardon?"

Khali: "AARAHHARGAGHGARAGAHH!"

Kane: "I didn't get that last part."

Khali: "AARRAHAHRGHAHAH!"

Kane: "Pre-nup? I don't know..."

Suddenly, Khali explodes, tearing the makeshift wedding site apart. With one mighty chop, he cuts the altar in half. Khali turns and exits the ring, leaving Kane alone in the ring on his knees screaming "NOOOOO! THE CATERING DEPOSIT IS NON-REFUNDABLE!!!!"

For the next few weeks on SmackDown, a heartbroken Kane cuts a path of destruction through the roster, showing signs of his sadistic self. He destroys King Booker, mangles Finlay and wins a #1 contender match against Chris Benoit to face the World Heavyweight Champion Batista in the main event of Backlash.

When Backlash arrives, the champion Batista waits in the ring. Kane's music hits. Ready for battle, he strides to the ring with a purpose. He's focused and ready for destruction. Is this the night that Kane finally takes it to the next level and beats the Animal?

Just as the match is about to start, a familiar song plays over the PA: "Here Comes the Bride." At that moment, the Great Khali appears, wearing a 7-foot wedding dress. He grabs the microphone and pleas with Kane: "AAAAARRAAHARJAAHAHAGGGHH!"

Kane looks at Khali and then at Batista. Back and forth, he looks.

Michael Cole: "The world heavyweight title or the man he loves - which will Kane choose, John?"
JBL: "I've got to take a shit."

Kane looks at Batista and smiles... and then leaves the ring with Khali. As they skip down down the aisle (that's right, I said SKIP down the aisle), Peabo Bryson comes out from the back to serenade the happy couple with the theme from "Beauty and the Beast."

See? It could be worse...

The greatest team in the history of the world!!! This week!!!!

I try not to complain about booking. It bothers me when people watch RAW and then spend the rest of the week bitching about it on the internet. I mean, if you don't like the show so much, stop watching, Joseph "Complainy Pants" McGillicuddy!

But it's my blog, so I must admit - I absolutely HATED the way the tag team title match on RAW was booked two weeks ago. Here was the scenario:

Shawn Michaels and John Cena have been sort of reluctant tag team champions over the past few months, with Michaels playing head games and teasing a turn. On this week's RAW, they were put in a gauntlet match against three teams: World's Greatest Tag Team, Cade and Murdoch and finally MNM in a steel cage.

In my mind, this was a no-brainer to take the titles off Michaels and Cena in the third match. It wouldn't make them look weak (they just beat 2 other teams) and wouldn't necessarily involve a turn (they could have lost due to a miscommunication). More importantly, the titles would be around the waist of a good team that's actually going to defend them.

I understand the logic of having Michaels and Cena win the titles: by being champions together, they're forced to work together. If they weren't, they logically wouldn't have to be anywhere near each other. It's worked... for a while. I felt like RAW last week was the time to pull the trigger and set the fire that brings the match to that next level.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone with a "will he or won't he turn?" build for the feud. You have a built-in "the future vs. the past" storyline. Cena is the man. Michaels was the man. He's a little older, a little beat-up. Does he have it in him to pull one more big match out of his hat? Or does he pass the torch to the new generation?

While this storyline focuses more on Michaels than Cena, I think it would generate more of an emotional payoff than the current one. That's just me.

As an added bonus, we could have a title vs. title match between MNM and London & Kendrick. Which would be the ballz.