WrestleMania predictions

It's time for the Mania predictions. As usual, I will be 100% correct.

United States Title Match:
Chris Benoit vs. MVP
Winner: MVP via pinfall

Money in the Bank Ladder Match:
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. King Booker vs. CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Finlay
Winner(s): Edge and Orton fall to the mat, both holding the briefcase

8 Man Tag Match:
The New Breed vs. The ECW Originals
Winners: The New Breed

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Winner: No contest with some sort of big fall spot

Women's Title Match:
Melina vs. Ashley
Winner: Melina via cheating

Battle of the Billionnaires Hair vs. Hair Match:
Bobby Lashley with Donald Trump vs. Umaga with Mr. McMahon
Winner: Lashley

World Heavyweight Title Match:
Batista vs. The Undertaker
Winner: The Undertaker via pin (shortly followed by a Batista heel turn)

WWE Title Match:
John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
Winner: John Cena via tapout (followed by a handshake)

Get ready to pay up, suckers.

It could be worse...

This week, I have been struck with an idea for a new feature. Instead of my usual Pfantasy Pfriday (brought to you by Pfizer), I've decided to put a fun little twist on things.

Fantasy booking is a veritable pantload of fun, ain't it? And let's face facts, my little Monday morning Russo's: it's a lot easier to call the right play from the fantasy dugout when it's the third period and you're down by two quidditch wickets and the Cape Verdean judge just deducted you 1.21 jigowatts for flubbing that double axel with a side order of potato salad.

Mixed metaphors aside, I agree that some angles really sizzzzuck. So it's natural to for a lot of fans look at the crudely splattered Jackson Pollock of characters, feuds and angles that WWE creative throws up on the proverbial wall for 5 hours a week and think, "I can do better than that!"

For some odd genetic reason, I am not one of these people. I look at even the crappiest crap-covered crap from high among the snowcraps of the Big Rock Crappy Mountain and think "It could be worse..."

Here's the tired, overwrought gimmick of this column: using a giant cylinder filled with ping pong balls, I will select an angle from WWE past, present or future. Usually I'll pick a storyline or character that's generally viewed by wrestling fans as tastelessly bad or sadly mediocre or just plain boring. And I'll use the super powers bestowed on me by that gypsy I "encountered" in a Massachusetts Turnpike men's room... to make it a whole lot worse. Sound like fun? No? Fine, be that way, Mr. Negative Grumpypants O'Shaughnessy.

For my first column, I'll take a rusty-hooked stab at the current Kane-Big Khali match at WrestleMania 23. While it certainly hasn't been a particularly bad feud, it's been far from memorable. It's been kind of a yawn, actually. But... (say it with me, lambs) it could be worse...

We open with a video montage of the past few weeks. Jim Ross hypes the match, screaming "For weeks, these two monsters have been beating the holy hell out of each other, King. Who will survive the carnage at WrestleMania?"

The lights go down and The Great Khali's music hits. Even in the cavernous confines of Ford Field, the giant from India is an imposing sight. He throws his arms up in the air and gives us that catch phrase that made a nation fall in love with him: "AAAAAARRRAGHARRRAGHHH!"

When Khali arrives at the ring, he is surprised to see not the usual ring set-up, but flowers and an altar covered with white linens. JR: "What sort of sick ceremony does Kane have in mind?"

As Khali looks around the ring, confused. Suddenly, Kane's music hits. The crowd explodes and turns to the entrance way only to see Kane dressed not in his usual ring gear, but a full white tuxedo and tails.

He gets to the ring and stares Khali down. After a moment, he grabs the microphone.

Kane: "Khali, I'm the first to admit - I haven't been lucky in love. I hung out with this girl Tori for a while, but then she dumped me for X-Pac and told everyone about the burn marks on my winkie. Not. Cool.

Then, I made a baby with Lita, but then Snitsky fell on it blah blah blah - long story short: the ladies haven't been doing it for me. I thought I would be alone forever. Until I met you. When you first hit me with that chop to the top of my head, I realized - here's a man I'd like to get my 'hooks' into."

Kane smiles and looks around to the audience. Silence. Crickets chirp.

Kane: "Get it? Because I carry a hook and kill people with it? Get my 'hooks' in you?"

Kane looks around again. A tumbleweed rolls by.

Kane: "The point is - it's time to try something a little weird, a little freaky. Great Khali - I think you're not just great. I think you're awesome. From now on, I'm going to call you the Awesome Khali. And I'd like to be Mrs. Awesome Khali. What I'm asking is..."

Kane drops to one knee.

Kane: "Will you marry me?"

Khali is shocked and confused. He looks at Kane and then around at the audience (most of whom have left the building at this stage). JR: "What the hell is going on here? Khali came to fight and now he's got a marriage proprosal on his hands? What's he going to say, King?"

Khali grabs the micrphone to share his thoughts.

Khali: "AARRHGAARRAHGHAH!"

Kane: "I beg your pardon?"

Khali: "AARAHHARGAGHGARAGAHH!"

Kane: "I didn't get that last part."

Khali: "AARRAHAHRGHAHAH!"

Kane: "Pre-nup? I don't know..."

Suddenly, Khali explodes, tearing the makeshift wedding site apart. With one mighty chop, he cuts the altar in half. Khali turns and exits the ring, leaving Kane alone in the ring on his knees screaming "NOOOOO! THE CATERING DEPOSIT IS NON-REFUNDABLE!!!!"

For the next few weeks on SmackDown, a heartbroken Kane cuts a path of destruction through the roster, showing signs of his sadistic self. He destroys King Booker, mangles Finlay and wins a #1 contender match against Chris Benoit to face the World Heavyweight Champion Batista in the main event of Backlash.

When Backlash arrives, the champion Batista waits in the ring. Kane's music hits. Ready for battle, he strides to the ring with a purpose. He's focused and ready for destruction. Is this the night that Kane finally takes it to the next level and beats the Animal?

Just as the match is about to start, a familiar song plays over the PA: "Here Comes the Bride." At that moment, the Great Khali appears, wearing a 7-foot wedding dress. He grabs the microphone and pleas with Kane: "AAAAARRAAHARJAAHAHAGGGHH!"

Kane looks at Khali and then at Batista. Back and forth, he looks.

Michael Cole: "The world heavyweight title or the man he loves - which will Kane choose, John?"
JBL: "I've got to take a shit."

Kane looks at Batista and smiles... and then leaves the ring with Khali. As they skip down down the aisle (that's right, I said SKIP down the aisle), Peabo Bryson comes out from the back to serenade the happy couple with the theme from "Beauty and the Beast."

See? It could be worse...

The greatest team in the history of the world!!! This week!!!!

I try not to complain about booking. It bothers me when people watch RAW and then spend the rest of the week bitching about it on the internet. I mean, if you don't like the show so much, stop watching, Joseph "Complainy Pants" McGillicuddy!

But it's my blog, so I must admit - I absolutely HATED the way the tag team title match on RAW was booked two weeks ago. Here was the scenario:

Shawn Michaels and John Cena have been sort of reluctant tag team champions over the past few months, with Michaels playing head games and teasing a turn. On this week's RAW, they were put in a gauntlet match against three teams: World's Greatest Tag Team, Cade and Murdoch and finally MNM in a steel cage.

In my mind, this was a no-brainer to take the titles off Michaels and Cena in the third match. It wouldn't make them look weak (they just beat 2 other teams) and wouldn't necessarily involve a turn (they could have lost due to a miscommunication). More importantly, the titles would be around the waist of a good team that's actually going to defend them.

I understand the logic of having Michaels and Cena win the titles: by being champions together, they're forced to work together. If they weren't, they logically wouldn't have to be anywhere near each other. It's worked... for a while. I felt like RAW last week was the time to pull the trigger and set the fire that brings the match to that next level.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone with a "will he or won't he turn?" build for the feud. You have a built-in "the future vs. the past" storyline. Cena is the man. Michaels was the man. He's a little older, a little beat-up. Does he have it in him to pull one more big match out of his hat? Or does he pass the torch to the new generation?

While this storyline focuses more on Michaels than Cena, I think it would generate more of an emotional payoff than the current one. That's just me.

As an added bonus, we could have a title vs. title match between MNM and London & Kendrick. Which would be the ballz.

The new lightweight champion

I know it's not Friday, but I was inspired by the good folks over at the Wrestlecrap Forum to come up with a complete storyline to get over RAW's youngest star - Kenny Dykstra.

Apparently, young 20-year old Kenny turns 21 in March. How about this:

For the weeks preceding the big day, Kenny tells everyone about his big birthday. No one really cares all that much, but he's pretty excited. When the day finally arrives, he opens RAW in the ring with balloons and cake and a stupid birthday hat.

As he's having a very lame celebration by himself, the Sandman's music hits. He comes through the crowd and hits the ring. Sandman stands across the ring from him and stares a hole him. Kenny is scared - what's going to happen?

Sandman looks around the ring at the pathetic birthday party and shakes his head. "You call this a 21st birthday party?" He tosses Kenny a beer and cracks open one himself. Unsure, Kenny lifts the beer to his lips. He drinks it, expecting to get a singapore cane over the head. Instead, Sandman smiles. "Let me show you how they party in INSERT CITY THEY'RE IN." The Sandman leaves through the crowd. Not sure what's happening, Kenny shrugs and follows him.

Throughout the show, Sandman and Kenny visit different local bars in the area where Sandman proceeds to drink Kenny under the table. At the end of the show, Kenny pukes on Sandman's shoes, to which Sandman responds with one word: "Lightweight."

The next night on ECW, Sandman is wrestling in a match when Kenny stumbles to ringside, drunk again. Tazz: "Wow - Kenny really is a lightweight." He tries to drunkenly high-five and help the Sandman, but clumsily costs him the match. No longer amused, Sandman whips his former drinking buddy about the head with the cane.

The next week, Kenny gives a drunken interview, pleading for the Sandman to forgive him because, "I totally TOTALLY love you, man. And I mean that." As he talks, the ECW crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!"

For the next few weeks, Kenny keeps trying to befriend Sandman only to be continually whacked with a cane. Finally, Sandman demands the match: a twelve-pack challenge. The match doesn't begin until both competitiors have finished off a twelver of Budweiser. As the introductions are made, Kenny stumbles to the ring, clearly inebriated. Sandman, on the other hand, is completely unaffected and even performs a self-administered field sobriety test.

Although Kenny is clearly uncoordinated, there's another effect of the alcohol: he's feeling no pain. No matter how much punishment Sandman dishes out, Kenny keeps coming back for more until miraculously Kenny pulls out the win.

The next week on ECW, CM Punk standing in the ring celebrating a victory when Kenny walks out to the ring. Unlike the previous month, he's in a very different state - he's hung over. As the crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!", Kenny tries to shush them. He's got a splitting headache. He gets on the mic:

"Shhhhhh! What is wrong with you people? Be quiet! I have a headache!"

The audience gets louder and louder. He continues, "I can't believe how I've been behaving. I've been completely out of control. I've been acting like a drunken idiot. Because of the influence of alcohol, I forgot what I am. The best young athlete in WWE history. Instead, I became... just like each and every one of you."

BOOOOO!

"You sit there and drink your beers with your fat guts hanging out, trying to forget about your miserable failures of lives. I should have been better than that. I am better than that. And for acting like you, I apologize."

BOOOOO! Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!

"But there's one other man I'd like to apologize to. And that's you, CM Punk."

Punk is surprised. He has no idea what's going on. Kenny continues:

"You are a model of virtue. You represent the straight-edge lifestyle. You have no drugs or tobacco or alcohol clouding your judgment. Guys like you and me - we're better than these losers. So as a fellow 'straight edge,' I'd like to apologize personally to you."

Kenny gives the crossed arms "straight edge" signal. Punk shakes his head and takes the mic:

"You've got it all wrong. I'm straight-edge because that's my choice." Punk turns to the crowd, "If you people want to have a beer, by all means have a beer."

The crowd cheers. Punk turns back to Kenny:

"And for the record, you're not a 'straight-edge.' You're just a lightweight."

As the audience chants "Lightweight! Lightweight!" Kenny attacks Punk. The brawl, and the feud, is ON!

My Mania Part 2

So... who would go over in this magical WrestleMania of yours, BJ? (Read the previous post for my suggested card.) Well, I'll tell you.

United States Title Match:
Rey Mysterio (or The Hurricane) over MVP by surprise pin
(While I think MVP should win back the title on Smackdown the next week and keep it for a while to build him up, it's the opening match of Mania. The face should go over. In the words of Lance Storm, the crowd wants to pop. Let them pop.)

ECW Ten-Man Tag Match:
The New Breed over the ECW Originals by Snitsky pinning Sabu
(After some high flying spots and wild extreme-style action, Snitsky just takes over and lays some of the originals out. If he is going to be the next to challenge Lashley, I'd start putting him over as a monster here.)

Intercontinental Title Match:
Kenny Dykstra over Super Crazy by small package
(After the match, Kenny demands that referee Steamboat raise his hand over and over again, which Steamboat reluctantly abides. But then Kenny goes too far, demanding Steamboat get on the mic and tell the world that he, Kenny, is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. When Steamboat refuses, Kenny shoves him. Steamboat responds with karate chops and armdrags that send the young champion scurrying, leaving the legend in the ring for a well-deserved ovation.)

Money in the Bank - Tap-Out Challenge
Chris Benoit over CM Punk in the final 2 by tap-out
(During the match, Benoit and Punk dominate, making all the others tap out to their submission holds. When it goes down to one-on-one, they put on a clinic of holds and reversals until Punk finally gives in to the 10th consecutive crossface. Incidentally, Punk will win the MITB briefcase from Benoit in their follow-up 30-minute Iron Man match at the next Smackdown PPV.)

Motor City Monsters Match:
No contest when they brawl out of the arena and into the parking lot
(In contrast to the previous pure wrestling display, this match just has four monsters fighting all over the building. No issues are solved, but we have a few "Oh my God!" moments of the Great Khali picking up car and throwing it at Kane.)

Retirement Match:
Carlito over Ric Flair by cheating
(Instead of showing Flair the proper respect after the match, Carlito just jumps up and down and overcelebrates the fact that he retired Flair. He doesn't even shake his hand, practically skipping up the aisle. This leaves Flair in the ring to get his deserved ovation.)

TLC Match for the Unified Tag Team Titles:
World's Greatest Tag Team over Kendrick & London and the Hardys
(No need to even describe this one. It's a TLC match.)

Battle of the Billionnaires - Hair vs. Hair Match:
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin (w/ Donald Trump) over Mr. Kennedy (with Mr. McMahon) by Stone Cold Stunner pinfall
(After the match, Austin and Trump take turns shaving McMahon's head while sharing a beer. After realizing they're not good barbers, Trump invites his personal barber to finish the job: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. After shaving Vince, they enjoy some beers in the ring.)

ECW Title Match - Extreme Rules
Bobby Lashley over Cactus Jack by pinfall
(Foley carries Lashley to a decent hardcore match, ending in a big spot finish. While Lashley is celebrating, Snitsky hits the ring and lays waste to him, ruining his WrestleMania moment.)

World Heavyweight Title Match
The Undertaker over Batista
(In an old-school big man vs. big man match, the two men match power moves until 'Taker finally hits the tombstone piledriver for the pin and retains his unbeaten WrestleMania streak. After the match, Batista shakes 'Taker's hand... and then jumps him from behind and lays him out with a Batista bomb. Boos reign down as the heel Batista is reborn.)

WWE Title Match - Fatal Four-Way
John Cena over Edge, Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels
(Through dirty tricks, Rated RKO are able to take Michaels out of the match first, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Then, Cena has to fight off a 2-on-1 onslaught from the vicious bad guys. After beating him down, Edge and Orton start arguing. Cena takes advantage and takes out Orton with an F-U. When it's down to one-on-one, an exhausted Cena makes Edge tap to the STFU, winning the match. Before he can celebrate, Orton is back in the ring. Rated RKO put aside their differences to beat on the champion... until Michaels comes down and makes the save. After they fight off the heels, Micheals and Cena have a genuine handshake and hug. The torch is passed.)

And Wrestlemania 23 is in the books.

My Mania

Ok, WrestleMania is around the corner, so I thought I'd run down the card that I wouldn't mind seeing. I'll include notes on the build-up.

World Heavyweight Title Match:
Batista (c) vs. The Undertaker

WWE Title Match - Fatal 4-Way:
John Cena (c) vs Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton
(I still think this should happen, at the very least to protect Cena from getting booed out of the building.)

ECW Title Match - Extreme Rules Match:
Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Cactus Jack
(You know how I feel about this one. It should happen.)

Mr. Kennedy vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
(A classic star-maker match. Kennedy's ready and Austin has a movie coming out. If he's physically capable, I'd say pull the trigger. Hell, I wouldn't even mind this being the Trump/McMahon "hair vs. hair" match)

Unified Tag Team Titles - TLC Match:
World's Greatest Tag Team (c) vs. London and Kendrick(c) vs. The Hardys
(I'd have WGTT take the titles from Cena and Michaels to represent RAW on this one. I like the idea of one set of tag team champions defending on all three shows. Plus, these three teams could really goooooooo).

Career vs. Career Match:
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair vs. Carlito
(The current storyline's extreme conclusion - tired of having his dedication questioned, Carlito takes the bigger risk by putting his young career on the line against a man with nothing to lose. Another star-maker match).

Money In The Bank - Tap-out Challenge:
Chris Benoit vs. CM Punk vs. The Masterpiece vs. King Booker vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Johnny Nitro
(Since there's another ladder match on the show, why not have a different kind of MITB? It's simple - you tap out, you're out. The last man who doesn't tap wins.)

10-Man Extreme Rules Match:
The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Ballz Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman) vs. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorne and Snitsky)

Motor City Monsters Match:
Kane and the BoogeyMan vs. Umaga and The Great Khali
(Keep in mind I have no idea what a "Motor City Monsters Match" is - just some gimmick match that lets these four freaks go at it. Special referee: Vader?)

Intercontinental Title Match:
Kenny Dykstra(c) vs. Super Crazy
Special Guest Referee: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
(Obviously, Kenny would have to steal the title from Jeff Hardy first. I like having Steamboat involved, as it's the 20th anniversary of WrestleMania III - the greatest I-C championship match of all time).

United States Title Match:
MVP(c) vs. Rey Mysterio
(Again, MVP would have to take the title from Benoit. I'm not sure if Mysterio is going to be ready by Mania, but the Smackdown promos say he'll be back in 2 weeks. If he can't go, I'd put in a face Gregory Helms. It's time - maybe for a return of The Hurricane? Hmmmm?)

That's my card. I'd buy that, damn it.

I'm famous!

Well, not really - but I did get my ECW Lashley-Cactus Jack story into the Fink's Payload (a reader-submitted fantasy booking column) over at 411 wrestling the other day. Hip hip!

While I appreciate the guys printing my ideas, I was baffled at their responses:

Matt: Well…The Vince McMahon edition of ECW would, on the surface, seem to mean this would be impossible to pull off. But it could happen. Turn the Vampires (like making people cheer Ariel would be hard) or maybe Stevie and that gives Burke an outlet. And Vince would like this since it pushes Lashley.

Nick: I like the whole story leading up to the culmination. I'm not really high on all of that leading to Cactus getting the world title shot. I'm not sure where I would go with it, and while Cactus could lead Lashley to a good hardcore match, it all leading up to Mick returning to wrestle rather than just being the mastermind doesn't sit well with me. I'd probably just put Tommy in the spot and let it become just an out of control brawl with everyone involved in the feud running in, ending with Punk turning on Lashley, and more importantly, Van Dam. Dreamer would end up with the belt, and Punk would have a feud with Van Dam. Dreamer would turn face with the belt in a little bit, and then Punk could go after him as a heel.

Huh. Really? You have a hard time with a genuine legend and main eventer Mick Foley fighting for a world title at WrestleMania? And would go with Tommy Dreamer - a jobber to the stars? And make him world champion? At WrestleMania? Reeeeeeally?

I honestly get baffled at other wrestling fans' views, especially the internet wrestling community. On what planet does Tommy Dreamer main event WrestleMania? No offense to Dreamer - I think he can be useful in a certain role, such as the leader of the Tribe of Extreme. But some people really think that someone like Tommy Dreamer or Finlay or Stevie Richards - all talented workers, by the way - are going to carry a company on their shoulders?

The main event of WrestleMania is exactly that - the main event. Main eventers are in the main event. Like him or not, Lashley is the main event of ECW. His opponent is going to be of main event caliber.

You know, like Test or Gene Snitsky. Eesh... maybe Tommy Dreamer should carry the company.