The new lightweight champion

I know it's not Friday, but I was inspired by the good folks over at the Wrestlecrap Forum to come up with a complete storyline to get over RAW's youngest star - Kenny Dykstra.

Apparently, young 20-year old Kenny turns 21 in March. How about this:

For the weeks preceding the big day, Kenny tells everyone about his big birthday. No one really cares all that much, but he's pretty excited. When the day finally arrives, he opens RAW in the ring with balloons and cake and a stupid birthday hat.

As he's having a very lame celebration by himself, the Sandman's music hits. He comes through the crowd and hits the ring. Sandman stands across the ring from him and stares a hole him. Kenny is scared - what's going to happen?

Sandman looks around the ring at the pathetic birthday party and shakes his head. "You call this a 21st birthday party?" He tosses Kenny a beer and cracks open one himself. Unsure, Kenny lifts the beer to his lips. He drinks it, expecting to get a singapore cane over the head. Instead, Sandman smiles. "Let me show you how they party in INSERT CITY THEY'RE IN." The Sandman leaves through the crowd. Not sure what's happening, Kenny shrugs and follows him.

Throughout the show, Sandman and Kenny visit different local bars in the area where Sandman proceeds to drink Kenny under the table. At the end of the show, Kenny pukes on Sandman's shoes, to which Sandman responds with one word: "Lightweight."

The next night on ECW, Sandman is wrestling in a match when Kenny stumbles to ringside, drunk again. Tazz: "Wow - Kenny really is a lightweight." He tries to drunkenly high-five and help the Sandman, but clumsily costs him the match. No longer amused, Sandman whips his former drinking buddy about the head with the cane.

The next week, Kenny gives a drunken interview, pleading for the Sandman to forgive him because, "I totally TOTALLY love you, man. And I mean that." As he talks, the ECW crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!"

For the next few weeks, Kenny keeps trying to befriend Sandman only to be continually whacked with a cane. Finally, Sandman demands the match: a twelve-pack challenge. The match doesn't begin until both competitiors have finished off a twelver of Budweiser. As the introductions are made, Kenny stumbles to the ring, clearly inebriated. Sandman, on the other hand, is completely unaffected and even performs a self-administered field sobriety test.

Although Kenny is clearly uncoordinated, there's another effect of the alcohol: he's feeling no pain. No matter how much punishment Sandman dishes out, Kenny keeps coming back for more until miraculously Kenny pulls out the win.

The next week on ECW, CM Punk standing in the ring celebrating a victory when Kenny walks out to the ring. Unlike the previous month, he's in a very different state - he's hung over. As the crowd chants "Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!", Kenny tries to shush them. He's got a splitting headache. He gets on the mic:

"Shhhhhh! What is wrong with you people? Be quiet! I have a headache!"

The audience gets louder and louder. He continues, "I can't believe how I've been behaving. I've been completely out of control. I've been acting like a drunken idiot. Because of the influence of alcohol, I forgot what I am. The best young athlete in WWE history. Instead, I became... just like each and every one of you."

BOOOOO!

"You sit there and drink your beers with your fat guts hanging out, trying to forget about your miserable failures of lives. I should have been better than that. I am better than that. And for acting like you, I apologize."

BOOOOO! Lightweight! Lightweight! Lightweight!

"But there's one other man I'd like to apologize to. And that's you, CM Punk."

Punk is surprised. He has no idea what's going on. Kenny continues:

"You are a model of virtue. You represent the straight-edge lifestyle. You have no drugs or tobacco or alcohol clouding your judgment. Guys like you and me - we're better than these losers. So as a fellow 'straight edge,' I'd like to apologize personally to you."

Kenny gives the crossed arms "straight edge" signal. Punk shakes his head and takes the mic:

"You've got it all wrong. I'm straight-edge because that's my choice." Punk turns to the crowd, "If you people want to have a beer, by all means have a beer."

The crowd cheers. Punk turns back to Kenny:

"And for the record, you're not a 'straight-edge.' You're just a lightweight."

As the audience chants "Lightweight! Lightweight!" Kenny attacks Punk. The brawl, and the feud, is ON!

My Mania Part 2

So... who would go over in this magical WrestleMania of yours, BJ? (Read the previous post for my suggested card.) Well, I'll tell you.

United States Title Match:
Rey Mysterio (or The Hurricane) over MVP by surprise pin
(While I think MVP should win back the title on Smackdown the next week and keep it for a while to build him up, it's the opening match of Mania. The face should go over. In the words of Lance Storm, the crowd wants to pop. Let them pop.)

ECW Ten-Man Tag Match:
The New Breed over the ECW Originals by Snitsky pinning Sabu
(After some high flying spots and wild extreme-style action, Snitsky just takes over and lays some of the originals out. If he is going to be the next to challenge Lashley, I'd start putting him over as a monster here.)

Intercontinental Title Match:
Kenny Dykstra over Super Crazy by small package
(After the match, Kenny demands that referee Steamboat raise his hand over and over again, which Steamboat reluctantly abides. But then Kenny goes too far, demanding Steamboat get on the mic and tell the world that he, Kenny, is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. When Steamboat refuses, Kenny shoves him. Steamboat responds with karate chops and armdrags that send the young champion scurrying, leaving the legend in the ring for a well-deserved ovation.)

Money in the Bank - Tap-Out Challenge
Chris Benoit over CM Punk in the final 2 by tap-out
(During the match, Benoit and Punk dominate, making all the others tap out to their submission holds. When it goes down to one-on-one, they put on a clinic of holds and reversals until Punk finally gives in to the 10th consecutive crossface. Incidentally, Punk will win the MITB briefcase from Benoit in their follow-up 30-minute Iron Man match at the next Smackdown PPV.)

Motor City Monsters Match:
No contest when they brawl out of the arena and into the parking lot
(In contrast to the previous pure wrestling display, this match just has four monsters fighting all over the building. No issues are solved, but we have a few "Oh my God!" moments of the Great Khali picking up car and throwing it at Kane.)

Retirement Match:
Carlito over Ric Flair by cheating
(Instead of showing Flair the proper respect after the match, Carlito just jumps up and down and overcelebrates the fact that he retired Flair. He doesn't even shake his hand, practically skipping up the aisle. This leaves Flair in the ring to get his deserved ovation.)

TLC Match for the Unified Tag Team Titles:
World's Greatest Tag Team over Kendrick & London and the Hardys
(No need to even describe this one. It's a TLC match.)

Battle of the Billionnaires - Hair vs. Hair Match:
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin (w/ Donald Trump) over Mr. Kennedy (with Mr. McMahon) by Stone Cold Stunner pinfall
(After the match, Austin and Trump take turns shaving McMahon's head while sharing a beer. After realizing they're not good barbers, Trump invites his personal barber to finish the job: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. After shaving Vince, they enjoy some beers in the ring.)

ECW Title Match - Extreme Rules
Bobby Lashley over Cactus Jack by pinfall
(Foley carries Lashley to a decent hardcore match, ending in a big spot finish. While Lashley is celebrating, Snitsky hits the ring and lays waste to him, ruining his WrestleMania moment.)

World Heavyweight Title Match
The Undertaker over Batista
(In an old-school big man vs. big man match, the two men match power moves until 'Taker finally hits the tombstone piledriver for the pin and retains his unbeaten WrestleMania streak. After the match, Batista shakes 'Taker's hand... and then jumps him from behind and lays him out with a Batista bomb. Boos reign down as the heel Batista is reborn.)

WWE Title Match - Fatal Four-Way
John Cena over Edge, Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels
(Through dirty tricks, Rated RKO are able to take Michaels out of the match first, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Then, Cena has to fight off a 2-on-1 onslaught from the vicious bad guys. After beating him down, Edge and Orton start arguing. Cena takes advantage and takes out Orton with an F-U. When it's down to one-on-one, an exhausted Cena makes Edge tap to the STFU, winning the match. Before he can celebrate, Orton is back in the ring. Rated RKO put aside their differences to beat on the champion... until Michaels comes down and makes the save. After they fight off the heels, Micheals and Cena have a genuine handshake and hug. The torch is passed.)

And Wrestlemania 23 is in the books.

My Mania

Ok, WrestleMania is around the corner, so I thought I'd run down the card that I wouldn't mind seeing. I'll include notes on the build-up.

World Heavyweight Title Match:
Batista (c) vs. The Undertaker

WWE Title Match - Fatal 4-Way:
John Cena (c) vs Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton
(I still think this should happen, at the very least to protect Cena from getting booed out of the building.)

ECW Title Match - Extreme Rules Match:
Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Cactus Jack
(You know how I feel about this one. It should happen.)

Mr. Kennedy vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
(A classic star-maker match. Kennedy's ready and Austin has a movie coming out. If he's physically capable, I'd say pull the trigger. Hell, I wouldn't even mind this being the Trump/McMahon "hair vs. hair" match)

Unified Tag Team Titles - TLC Match:
World's Greatest Tag Team (c) vs. London and Kendrick(c) vs. The Hardys
(I'd have WGTT take the titles from Cena and Michaels to represent RAW on this one. I like the idea of one set of tag team champions defending on all three shows. Plus, these three teams could really goooooooo).

Career vs. Career Match:
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair vs. Carlito
(The current storyline's extreme conclusion - tired of having his dedication questioned, Carlito takes the bigger risk by putting his young career on the line against a man with nothing to lose. Another star-maker match).

Money In The Bank - Tap-out Challenge:
Chris Benoit vs. CM Punk vs. The Masterpiece vs. King Booker vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Johnny Nitro
(Since there's another ladder match on the show, why not have a different kind of MITB? It's simple - you tap out, you're out. The last man who doesn't tap wins.)

10-Man Extreme Rules Match:
The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Ballz Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman) vs. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorne and Snitsky)

Motor City Monsters Match:
Kane and the BoogeyMan vs. Umaga and The Great Khali
(Keep in mind I have no idea what a "Motor City Monsters Match" is - just some gimmick match that lets these four freaks go at it. Special referee: Vader?)

Intercontinental Title Match:
Kenny Dykstra(c) vs. Super Crazy
Special Guest Referee: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
(Obviously, Kenny would have to steal the title from Jeff Hardy first. I like having Steamboat involved, as it's the 20th anniversary of WrestleMania III - the greatest I-C championship match of all time).

United States Title Match:
MVP(c) vs. Rey Mysterio
(Again, MVP would have to take the title from Benoit. I'm not sure if Mysterio is going to be ready by Mania, but the Smackdown promos say he'll be back in 2 weeks. If he can't go, I'd put in a face Gregory Helms. It's time - maybe for a return of The Hurricane? Hmmmm?)

That's my card. I'd buy that, damn it.

I'm famous!

Well, not really - but I did get my ECW Lashley-Cactus Jack story into the Fink's Payload (a reader-submitted fantasy booking column) over at 411 wrestling the other day. Hip hip!

While I appreciate the guys printing my ideas, I was baffled at their responses:

Matt: Well…The Vince McMahon edition of ECW would, on the surface, seem to mean this would be impossible to pull off. But it could happen. Turn the Vampires (like making people cheer Ariel would be hard) or maybe Stevie and that gives Burke an outlet. And Vince would like this since it pushes Lashley.

Nick: I like the whole story leading up to the culmination. I'm not really high on all of that leading to Cactus getting the world title shot. I'm not sure where I would go with it, and while Cactus could lead Lashley to a good hardcore match, it all leading up to Mick returning to wrestle rather than just being the mastermind doesn't sit well with me. I'd probably just put Tommy in the spot and let it become just an out of control brawl with everyone involved in the feud running in, ending with Punk turning on Lashley, and more importantly, Van Dam. Dreamer would end up with the belt, and Punk would have a feud with Van Dam. Dreamer would turn face with the belt in a little bit, and then Punk could go after him as a heel.

Huh. Really? You have a hard time with a genuine legend and main eventer Mick Foley fighting for a world title at WrestleMania? And would go with Tommy Dreamer - a jobber to the stars? And make him world champion? At WrestleMania? Reeeeeeally?

I honestly get baffled at other wrestling fans' views, especially the internet wrestling community. On what planet does Tommy Dreamer main event WrestleMania? No offense to Dreamer - I think he can be useful in a certain role, such as the leader of the Tribe of Extreme. But some people really think that someone like Tommy Dreamer or Finlay or Stevie Richards - all talented workers, by the way - are going to carry a company on their shoulders?

The main event of WrestleMania is exactly that - the main event. Main eventers are in the main event. Like him or not, Lashley is the main event of ECW. His opponent is going to be of main event caliber.

You know, like Test or Gene Snitsky. Eesh... maybe Tommy Dreamer should carry the company.

Pfantasy Pfriday

For this week's Pfantasy Pfriday (brought to you as always by Pfizer), rather than come up with an angle for current wrestlers, I want to discuss one of the controversial aspects of WWE: the brand split.

Personally, I like the idea of the brand split because it gives more wrestlers opportunities to become stars. Internally, it may even provide a sense of competition about which brand puts on the better show. But what it doesn't do is provide variety to the viewer. All three shows are essentially the same deal.

If I were given the book, I wouldn't get rid of the brand split, but would make it a bona fide brand split. Instead of the same style with a new set of faces, my brands split would create three completely different shows.

RAW - The edgy, attitude style geared toward teenagers and young guys. Lots of sexy women, violence, foul language. The characters would have grey areas. There would be lots of backstage vignettes with bawdy comedy and pushing the envelope. Past and present ideal members of this brand: Edge, Mr. McMahon, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Cactus Jack, Brian Pillman, Mr. Kennedy, The Rock, Chris Jericho, DX, the nWo, Muhammad Hassan, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

Smackdown - A more 80's style of wrestling program with clear cut good guys and bad guys and larger-than-life, cartoon-like characters. Although there would still (obviously) be violence, I'd stay away from a lot of the gorier matches and steer clear of sex altogether. This is where your classic gimmicks and good guy vs. bad guy feuds happen. Past and present ideal members of this brand: Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker, King Booker, Deuce and Domino, "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, Bobby Lashley, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Eugene.

ECW - Made for the wrestling purist. No backstage vignettes or "skits." Just straight-up promos and matches. Although there would still be characters you love and hate, the focus of this show would be on the in-ring product. Longer matches where the stories are really told in the ring rather than outside it. Some blood, some high flying and some serious mat technicians. Basically, an internet smark's wet dream. Past and present ideal members of this brand: Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, CM Punk, AJ Styles, Shawn Michaels, Mr. Perfect, Ric Flair, Finlay, The Hardys.

We've got three brands, something for everyone. And of course, I'd watch all friggin' three.

Wrestlecrap Forums

I've been spending a little time over on the Wrestlecrap Forums and I'm having a blast. There are quite a few funny smart folks over there and I must say I'm enjoying myself.

My favorite thread so far has been entitled "Book the impossible feud..." in which you take two gimmicks from the same guy and come up with a storyline that pits them against each other. Here's what I've got for Barry "Hole in One" Darsow vs. Repo Man:

While Barry "Hole in One" Darsow is playing a leisurely round on the ol' greens, who should appear from nowhere but Tiger Woods? Woods offers him the challenge - if you get closer to the pin, you win a Buick.

Mustering all his mighty strength, Darsow smashes (heh heh) the ball toward the green, doing the impossible. He has beaten Tiger Woods!

As he goes to the parking lot with keys in hand and a smile of accomplishment across his face, he looks around for his brand new car. Instead, he finds an oil slick on the pavement and a note reading: "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. Sincerely, Repo Man."

The next challenge was to book Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake vs. the Zodiac. Here's what I came up with:

[A strange looking-man in black and white make-up sits down in the Barber's chair.]

Beefcake: So do you want to keep the faux-hawk?
Zodiac: Yes!
Beefcake: Okay.
Zodiac: No!
Beefcake: Oh, you want me to cut it off?
Zodiac: Yes!
Beefcake: Done and done.
Zodiac: No!
Beefcake: Will you sit still please?
Zodiac: Yes!
Beefcake: Hey, did you hear about the subway operator that left cocaine out and everyone thought it was anthrax?
Zodiac: No!
Beefcake: I guess he used to be a famous wrestler. Pretty sad story, huh?
Zodiac: Yes!
[Beefcake pulls out a mirror.]
Beefcake: What do you think?
Zodiac: NOOOOO!

[Zodiac throws Beefcake through the barbershop window.]

I've got some free time on my hands during the day is what I'm saying.